Do you ever feel like life has pulled a bait-and-switch on you? You follow through on all the "should’s" that have been fed to you over the years, sometimes by force, and sometimes by a subtle sort of hypnosis. In the end, the message took and you are a true believer.

Work hard. Get good grades. Participate in extracurricular activities. Get an Ivy League education or if not, the best one you can. Be ethical. Be humble. Serve others. This is the formula for leadership and success, right?

Except when it isn't. Join the club of mid-level management wheel spinners. Do you want to be one of the many Asians who have seemingly done all the "should’s," have experienced early praise and success, but are in the middle of their career hitting an immovable ceiling? Do you enjoy doing tremendous work, but getting little recognition or watching as others get all the glory? If there was just one thing you could learn that would change your fortunes, would you be willing to do what it takes?

Warning! If you are still enamored of all the "should’s," if you judge others by them, if you propagate this way of thinking in your own children, then this article is not for you.

Here is the ugly and liberating truth. If you are still mostly a true believer, you may want to take a seat. There is no amount of hard work, dedication, and technical skill that will make people believe you are a leader. Those things will not make people want to follow you or put you in a position where others follow you. In fact, the more you focus on those things to the exclusion of other interpersonal skills, the more likely it is that you will be passed over. Okay, I said it. Everything that you have been worshiping your entire life, while a crucial part of your success, is also what is crippling you.

If you want to break through to higher levels of responsibility and management, you're going to have to, in a way, loosen your grip on some of your previous idols and make space for a new passion - Charisma. I know what you are thinking. Perhaps a combination of one or more of the following. I'm an introvert and will never be an extrovert. Isn't that more for dating? It doesn't seem honorable to try to get people to like you in order to advance - I was raised with better values. And finally, that's not fair and if that’s the game, I don’t want to play it.

The reason most people, and a lot of Asians, don't value Charisma as a serious professional attribute is because their definition or mental model of what it is suffers from an inherent misunderstanding. If you look up any definition of Charisma, all it will tell you is the effect and uses words like attraction or magnetic. This is true, but misses the main point of Charisma which is how is it being generated. Once you understand why Charisma happens, you will see it’s true value. And once you understand how it works, then you can begin to get more of it. I've come up with a ground-breaking definition of Charisma which will get you back on the right track.

Charisma is the ability to sense, and ultimately deliver, exactly what is most needed from an emotional perspective in a given moment.

Here's the cold, hard truth when it comes to leadership and being chosen - people have to feel like you should be the leader; it's not a calculation. And when it comes to helping people feel secure, confident, and happy, nothing beats Charisma.

Think about that person, in your life or from afar, who is the most charismatic. Notice how they are providing something that you really need emotionally and their outsized ability to deliver it to you makes you loyal, trusting and willing to follow them. Charisma works as much in the good times as in the bad. When fun is the furthest thing from your mind and you are struggling, it's the person who can bring you comfort and stability who you are thankful for and search out.

If you find yourself stuck hitting a career ceiling, take a good hard look not at what you have in terms of skills and accomplishments, but instead at how you make others feel and whether that is the type of feeling people have for leaders. If you feel like a follower, you will always be relegated to a supporting role, even if it is a high-level, well-paid supporting role. There's nothing wrong with that, but it should be based on a choice you make and not an oversight.

If you still don't believe me ask yourself this. Would you go to work for a company where the Board hired the new CEO based solely on a review of their education, work experience, and business trophy case? Or would you expect an intensive interview process, along with in-depth discussions with references to get a more complete picture of this person's leadership style and capabilities for a good fit with what the company needs?

So you may be wondering, what is my answer to the original question, "Do Asians lack the Charisma needed to lead?"

Once you understand the improved definition of Charisma you can see that anyone can have the Charisma needed to lead. Lack of Charisma is not a permanent, fatal condition. You may lack it today, but you can develop it at any time. The good news is, now that you understand how it works, you can get started.

I think where many Asian professionals falter is that many of us have been raised to focus on achievement to the exclusion of everything else. As a result, not enough attention is being paid to how to behave like a leader by exhibiting Charisma, Executive Presence, and other interpersonal skills that impact how others feel about us.

One last point. Be kind to your parents. They raised you the best way they knew how and frankly, it's about 20 years too late to blame your parents for any mistakes or oversights you are making now. I lied, second last point. Your leaders will not tell you that this is the one thing holding you back. Not because they dislike you, but because a) they don't really understand this dynamic clearly enough to express it; or b) they do know this is the problem, but they don't trust themselves, you, or the company lawyers to wade into this minefield with you. This is all okay. This is the first day of a new day where you start to tear down that ceiling and climb as far and as high as you choose. See you in the Penthouse Suite!

Joe Kwon, the Connection Counselor

P.S.

One last embarrassing confession. Although I had recently researched and written a book about Charisma (Unlock Your Charisma: Be seen. Be Heard. Be Chosen) and though I am Asian myself, I never put 2 and 2 together until recently. It was only when a former colleague of mine invited me to speak to a group supporting Chinese-American professionals that this dynamic came to light. My friend pointed out how lots of Asian professionals excel in school and are highly recruited initially, but very few make it to the Board room or C-suite. She wondered whether this had anything to do with a lack of Charisma. We ended up having a great discussion about culture, leadership, and the role of Charisma in success. You can watch the video here.