If we are unable to be alone, we will be more lonely. And if we don't teach our children to be alone, they will only know how to be lonely.
~Sherry Turkle

Next post next Saturday, 6:30 a.m.

Willpower, no matter how great, is a losing proposition for sustaining change.

You may or may not be religious, but if you are human I can guarantee you've had a "hallelujah moment." Whether in a house of worship, at work or on vacation, everyone has, at some point, experienced a tsunami of emotion compelling them to make a life change.

"I WILL get in shape!"
"I will save more MONEY!"
"I will QUIT smoking!"
Or my personal favorite, some variation of the all too common, "I'll NEVER eat/drink that much or see that person AGAIN."

I think we all know what happens next...

You're riding this powerful wave and for the first several days, you dutifully skip carbs, trim your latte budget, or chew nicotine gum, etc. But like the abandoned resolutions that litter the path beyond New Year's, your good intentions have an expiration date - we're talking dairy, not canned food. Before long, you are back to your old tricks and despite a few valiant, last-ditch efforts, you have wiped out.

Cue regret, doubt, and self-pummeling.

You proceed to question yourself. Was I deluded? Too weak? Did I not want it enough? Do I not have what it takes? What's wrong with me?

This sort of thinking should be avoided for two reasons. First, when you are down, kicking dirt in your own face is not an effective method for helping anything. Second, this kind of thinking is based on a fundamental misunderstanding of how changes are made and sustained. 

"Thanks, Joe for that scenic trip down Failure Lane. How about sharing some helpful information so we can climb out of the Pit of Despair?"

I hear you. For a better result, let's unwrap the role human emotion plays in making changes.

THE LEVER OF CHANGE

The smell of incense. The pitter patter of tiny feet. The herding of cats. It's a Saturday at the dojo helping with the Kid's Aikido class. Sensei is teaching "Udekime nage," which means arm extension throw. The basic idea is you extend your arm under the attacker's upper arm, then raise your own arm like a forklift before throwing them. This lever action "encourages" the attacker to lift themselves up or risk hyperextending their elbow. For a few of the kids, the technique is stalling. By that I mean, sometimes the attacker is too stable so they barely budge.

I suggest a slight adjustment. Keep moving the forklift up UNTIL you see the person start to stand on their toes. This makes them unstable and they feel lighter. THEN, you throw. The key is to make sure the attacker is up on their toes BEFORE you attempt the throw. 

"Can you cut to the chase, Joe? Not sure what kids chucking each other around has to do with me."

Please stay with me a few more moments. I appreciate your patience. We will arrive at the destination shortly.

Try this. Stand with both feet flat on the ground about shoulder-width apart and ask a friend to GENTLY PUSH your shoulder. You will barely budge. Now stand on your tippy toes and ask again. Please clear the immediate area of any furniture or other tripping hazards. Oops, should I have said that first? You'll notice how much more easily you are moved when you are on your tippy toes.

When our emotions are stirred, a similar principle is in action. The more powerful the emotion, the more on our toes we are and the more easily we can overcome an entrenched behavior.

Emotion is the lever that makes change possible. 

"So emotion helps create the change, but how come it doesn't stick? And where is the "Fix" you promised in the title?"

Fair enough. Now that we know how emotion enables change, but doesn't necessarily sustain it, let's consider a better approach. 

THE SECRET OF SUSTAINED CHANGE

Imagine there are two people in your mind, engaged in an epic tug-of-war. One, let's call him Clyde, is the existing behavior. He's been around for years and is like an old pair of super comfy jeans. The other, let's call her Bonnie, is the new, desired behavior. Bonnie has a problem. Clyde is a big, strong dude and not easily moved. What the emotion of the "hallelujah moment" provides Bonnie is a lever to lift Clyde up onto his tippy toes, make him light and easily chuck him. 

Unfortunately for Bonnie, her work is not done. Like Rocky or Rudy, Clyde will not stay down and always comes back for more. At some point, when the emotion has passed (as all emotions eventually do), Bonnie's lever is gone. Clyde, with both arms outstretched to the heavens, is triumphant. 

Bonnie's "hallelujah moment" and the power that came with it gave her a great opportunity. She ultimately failed because she applied every ounce of that tremendous, but finite power to fighting Clyde, which was not an effective long-term strategy. Remember, the power of the forklift eventually fades when the strong emotion fades. And it always fades. 

The secret of sustained change is to use the energy generated by your emotion to create a SYSTEM that supports a new HABIT.

In other words, figure out what preparations you must make for you to be more Bonnie than Clyde, even in the absence of emotion or willpower. Especially in the absence of emotion or willpower! There are various things  you can do. Purposeful scheduling, accountability mechanisms, mental reminders -  the precise method is not important. At the end of the day you want to have pre-established safety mechanisms that "catch" you and prompt the new behavior regardless of whether you feel like it or not.

NEXT STEPS

If you are tired of riding the Failed Change Merry-go-round, instead of going through the usual motions, try these EZPZ steps instead.

Step 1. When you have emotion on your side, resist the urge to make a big, dramatic, unsustainable change.

Step 2. Instead, use the emotion to set up a system that will support turning the new behavior into a habit.

So instead of working out like a fiend every day of the week for the 1st week, followed by increasingly sporadic attendance as time goes on, you might try this instead.

• Commit to a single time and day to work out every week.
• The night before place your workout clothes by the door.
• Find a workout buddy.
• Come up with a contingency plan for when life inevitably gets in the way.

Lather, rinse, repeat. As needed, make adjustments along the way. Maintain this system to help create a habit that can weather temporary setbacks and interruptions. For some tips on overcoming internal resistance when creating a habit, you can review a related post of mine here. 

Habit is the lever that creates sustained change.

Finally, when the new habit, supported by your system becomes the default behavior, you've moved beyond change to TRANSFORMATION. Bonnie is the new Clyde.

I would love to hear from you about your experiences struggling with change - what worked, what didn't work and your thoughts on this approach. 

P.S.

This is the technique sensei was teaching the kids - Udekime nage (arm extension throw)

Next post next Saturday, 6:30 a.m.

Do you know someone who has a remarkable knack for bouncing back? Lost job leads to a dream job or successful new career. Failed engagement leads to a better relationship and happy marriage. Recovery from a freak injury leaves them stronger and healthier than before. You may find yourself asking, "How did this person become a master of the adversity trampoline?"

This ability to adapt and "bounce back" from life's stresses has a name - resilience. At times, it seems like a gift possessed only by extraordinary individuals like professional athletes and super heroes. However, resilience is not a fixed trait that you either have or don't have. Resilience is an ability and the good news is anyone can develop increased resilience. I learned this while falling (and failing) miserably. Allow me to explain.

Begin!

Attack.

Get thrown.

Eat mat.

Attack.

Get thrown.

Eat mat.

Ah, my first day back. My body would pay for this later, but for now I was on top of the world. It had been a decade since I stopped taking Aikido. What took so long to start again? I'm not sure, but I'll let you know if I figure it out. In any case, this part was just like I remembered it. I attack. I get thrown and hit the mat. Hard. I Immediately peel myself off the floor and attack again. Deja vu - more tasty mat sandwiches. Except I don't remember it being so hard getting up. Years of inactivity and Father Time will do that.

One of things I love about Aikido is what it teaches you about everyday life. From the moment I attacked to the moment I hit the mat my body was as tense as a steel cable. The sensei reminds me to relax. You see, the fear of falling and getting hurt is what causes your body to tense up. Relaxing allows you to fall more safely and is less painful. Think about a panda rolling down a hill. I relaxed a bit as my back hit the mat. Much better. Staring up at the ceiling I recall that even the simple act of getting up off the floor takes a lot of energy and willpower after you've fallen down several times.

"Sounds like a lot of fun, Joe. Not. But what does this have to do with my becoming more resilient? And by the way, I'm not wearing those pajamas."

"Resilience is forged in the repetition of simply getting up."

LESSONS IN RESILIENCE

Resilience is your ability to recover from stresses to your system. By definition it involves being stretched to or beyond your limits. Resilience is not built up when you are breezing along and not breaking a sweat. So in a way, falling (or failing) is a necessary ingredient. Resilience is forged in the repetition of simply getting up. Time after time. As you practice getting back up after actually falling in the dojo or figuratively falling outside the dojo, the experience changes you in several ways:

• Getting up starts to feel a little bit easier.
• You learn to accept the fall with grace and minimize the damage.
• The fear of falling fades into the background.
• You realize everybody falls and it is not necessarily a disaster.
• You learn to read the signs of falling, which can help you handle it in the future.

But don't just take it from me. You can find messages about the benefits of accepting a fall and how to recover from it in various movies and TV. Wouldn't you know it, sometimes even from professional athletes and super heroes. Here are three of my favorites.

1. Rocky Balboa

Rocky tries to help his son understand how to succeed in a unfriendly world.

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!"

2. Marvel's Luke Cage

He's a man of few words, but they carry weight.

"Always Forward."

3. THE TICK

The Tick ponders the condition of falling as he plunges to the earth after being tossed out the window of an apartment building.

"Falling. One of humanity's most feared and misunderstood conditions. The key to successful falling lies in realizing that you are a falling person. Do you go stiff? Resist the fall, like a standing person. Or do you accept it? Like a defenestrated feline. And stay alert to each and every falling opportunity."

NEXT STEPS

"Those are some entertaining examples, Joe, but HOW do I increase my own resilience?"

Resilience is like a muscle. You can build it up by repeatedly applying stress to it. In other words, by the repetition of falling and getting back up.

"So Joe, are you telling me you want me to try to fall/fail on a regular basis? That sounds ludicrous."

Not exactly. What I'm recommending is a change in how you view falling and how you handle it. There are two EZPZ steps.

Step 1. Stop seeing a fall as something to fear, but instead view it as something that happens to everyone and as an opportunity to build your resilience.

Step 2. After you fall, no matter how you feel, get back up and find a way to keep going.

That's it. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The funny thing is, if you are looking, you'll find plenty of opportunities to practice. We all fall on a regular basis so no need to generate new failures. Just a few examples:

• Got a great idea but no one seems to respond positively? Get feedback and try again.
• Can't agree with your partner on where to spend the holidays? Reset and find a creative solution.
• Kids not listening? Switch tactics till you find a communication approach that works.
• In-laws making you feel unwelcome? Don't stay away. Get back in there and win them over.
• Getting a nasty attitude from a cashier? Take a breath, smile, and reengage. 

So the next time you find yourself eating mat, hopefully figuratively and not literally, resist the urge to give up.

Remember, the easy way doesn't build resilience.

Instead, get up! Get back in there! Keep moving forward! Even when there is little to nothing at stake. Especially when there is little to nothing at stake. Be thankful for this opportunity to safely practice for the times that it will count.

I'd love to hear from you about any times, past, present or future where you have experienced this.

Next post next Saturday, 6:30 a.m.