Work hard. Get good grades. Participate in extracurricular activities. Get an Ivy League education or if not, the best one you can. Be ethical. Be humble. Serve others. This is the formula for leadership and success, right?

Except when it isn't. Hop on board the mid-level management hamster wheel. Do you want to be one of the many Asians who have seemingly done all the "should’s," have experienced early praise and success, but get stuck in the middle of their career - seemingly hitting an immovable ceiling? Do you enjoy doing tremendous work, but getting little recognition or watching as others get all the glory? If there was just one thing you could learn that would change your fortunes, would you be willing to do what it takes?

Warning! If you are still enamored of all the "should’s," if you judge others by them, if you propagate this way of thinking in your own children, then this article is not for you.

Here is the ugly and liberating truth. You may want to take a seat.

There is no amount of hard work, dedication, and technical skill that will make people believe you are a leader.

Those things will not make people see you as a leader or put you in a leadership position. In fact, the more you focus on those things to the exclusion of other interpersonal skills, the more likely it is that you will be passed over. Okay, I said it. Everything that you have been worshiping your entire life, while a crucial part of your success, is also what is holding you back.

If you want to break through to higher levels of responsibility and management, you're going to have to loosen your grip on some of your previous idols and make space for a new passion - Charisma. I know what you are thinking. Perhaps a combination of one or more of the following. I'm an introvert and will never be an extrovert. Isn't that more for dating? It doesn't seem honorable to try to get people to like you in order to advance - I was raised with better values. And finally, that's not fair and if that’s the game, I don’t want to play it.

The reason most people, and a lot of Asians, don't value Charisma as a serious professional attribute is because their definition or mental model of what it is suffers from an inherent misunderstanding. If you look up any definition of Charisma, all it will tell you is the effect and uses words like attraction or magnetic. This is true, but misses the main point of Charisma which is how is it being generated. Once you understand why Charisma happens, you will see it’s true value. And once you understand how it works, then you can begin to get more of it. I've come up with a ground-breaking definition of Charisma which will get you back on the right track.

Charisma is the ability to sense, and ultimately deliver, exactly what is most needed from an emotional perspective in a given moment.

Here's the cold, hard truth when it comes to leadership and being chosen - people have to feel like you should be the leader; it's not a calculation. And when it comes to helping people feel secure, confident, and happy, nothing beats Charisma.

Think about that person, in your life or from afar, who is the most charismatic. Notice how they are providing something that you really need emotionally and their outsized ability to deliver it to you makes you loyal, trusting and willing to follow them. Charisma works as much in the good times as in the bad. When fun is the furthest thing from your mind and you are struggling, it's the person who can bring you comfort and stability who you are thankful for and search out.

If you find yourself stuck hitting a career ceiling, take a good hard look not at what you have in terms of skills and accomplishments, but instead at how you make others feel and whether that is the type of feeling people have for leaders. If you feel like a follower, you will always be relegated to a supporting role, even if it is a high-level, well-paid supporting role.

If you still don't believe me ask yourself this. Would you go to work for a company where the Board hired the new CEO based solely on a review of their education, work experience, and business trophy case? Or would you expect an intensive interview process, along with in-depth discussions with references to get a more complete picture of this person's leadership style and capabilities for a good fit with what the company needs?

So you may be wondering, what is my answer to the original question, "Do Asians lack the Charisma needed to lead?"

Once you understand the improved definition of Charisma you can see that anyone can have the Charisma needed to lead. Lack of Charisma is not a permanent, fatal condition. You may lack it today, but you can develop it at any time. The good news is, now that you understand how it works, you can get started.

I think where many Asian professionals falter is that many of us have been raised to focus on achievement to the exclusion of everything else. As a result, not enough attention is being paid to how to behave like a leader by exhibiting Charisma, Executive Presence, and other interpersonal skills that impact how others feel about us. Making the problem even worse are stereotypes, bias, and othering of Asians that are used as a rationale to override or overlook our performance and impact and keep us out contention for leadership positions. The great thing about Charisma and Executive Presence is they are an antidote for the damaging misperceptions that come from us, as well as from others.

• If any part of this article resonated with you, either for yourself or for a professional or recent graduate in your inner circle, I just launched a new coaching product - Executive Presence Crash Course. For a limited time during the holidays it is discounted heavily ($250 off!) and is a unique and thoughtful gift for that hard-to-shop-for person who already purchased most of what they want. You can find it here.

One last point. Be kind to your parents. They raised you the best way they knew how and frankly, it's about 20 years too late to blame them.

I lied, second last point. Your leaders will not tell you that this is the one thing holding you back. Not because they dislike you, but because a) they don't really understand this dynamic clearly enough to express it; or b) they do know this is the problem, but they don't trust themselves, you, or the company lawyers enough to wade into this minefield with you. This is all okay.

This is the first day of a new day where you start to break through that ceiling and climb as far and as high as you choose. See you in the Penthouse Suite!

Joe Kwon, the Connection Counselor

P.S.

I have an embarrassing confession. Although I had written a book about Charisma (Unlock Your Charisma: Be seen. Be Heard. Be Chosen) and though I am Asian myself, I never understood the interplay between charisma and success until recently. It was only when a former colleague of mine invited me to speak to a group supporting Chinese-American professionals that this dynamic came to light. My colleague pointed out how lots of Asian professionals excel in school and are highly recruited at the entry level, but few make it to the Board room or C-suite. She wondered whether this had anything to do with a lack of Charisma. We ended up having a great discussion about culture, leadership, and the role of Charisma in success. You can watch the video here. Also, if you are specifically interested in Executive Presence, since I originally wrote this post I wrote a new book Unlock your Executive Presence: Feel Like a Boss.

What is it about doing something on a daily basis that pays dividends? And why is it so hard to keep a commitment to a daily activity, even when it is free, easy, and not very time consuming?

#cnxmindset #cnxkiller

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

If the last year has taught us anything, it’s that maintaining connections with others over distance can be challenging. Many of us — despite being outgoing or having the best intentions — struggle to maintain connections even when we’re free to come and go as we please. It’s easy to forget to check in on good friends, make plans and forget to follow up, and so on. And with the added complication of forced distance, such as what which we’ve all experienced for the past year, it can be even harder to set aside and organize time to connect.

The good news is that with conditions improving, there’s the hope of less social distance in the months and year ahead. Regardless of how and when we can ease up on precautions though, we’ve learned the value of developing fun and reliable ways to connect over distance. So, whether for the next few months under the pandemic or the future thereafter, I thought it would be useful to point to a few of the effective solutions I’ve come across in the past year.

Video Chats

It’s no exaggeration to say that video chats have become a vital part of modern society. This is why, in light of the pandemic, the importance of virtual executive presence has become a common discussion point on this very site. But beyond its significance in the professional arena, video chat is also crucial to maintaining relationships over distance. In case you are wondering, yes, I’ve experienced Zoom fatigue like the rest of you. I find myself turning the video camera on less that I did earlier in the pandemic. Still, moving forward, tools like Zoom and Skype will still be very useful for those looking to connect over distance.

Watch Parties

For me personally, one of the real revelations of the pandemic has been the remote watch party. This is basically just what it sounds like: multiple people in different locations tuning in to watch shows and films at the same time. In some cases, streaming platforms even place chat windows beside viewing screens, so that people can talk to friends and family while watching. It can be a novel and flexible way to connect such that is something worth doing both with friends and relatives, and has value even when we’re completely clear of the pandemic. The ability to watch a film online while chatting with college friends dotted all around the country is, for me, a wonderful treat and a fun way to stay in touch.

Book Club Email Chains

I realize the book club thing isn’t for everyone, and frankly I don’t think it’s likely to be sustainable in a group that isn’t already fond of reading. In other words, if you look to start a remote book club with a few friends or family members who need to be persuaded to read for pleasure… well, I wish you luck! But as a regular reader with a few friends who are fellow book nerds, I find this can be another good way to maintain some social connection amidst isolation. Consider a group started late last summer in a very informal way — just exchanging thoughts and recaps in an email chain and keeping pace with each other — and having a lot of fun. (Some great books so far are “The Splendid And The Vile” by Erik Larson, “Where The Crawdads Sing” by Delia Owens, “Warlight” by Michael Ondaatje, and “Piranesi” by Susanna Clarke, for those who might be curious!).

Online Poker

Online poker is easy to dabble in and helps pass the time —recently there have been more free-to-play apps in which it’s you versus “the computer.” But if you are looking for new ways to connect socially over distance, you can give more sophisticated forms of the game a look, such as getting some friends together for a virtual game once or twice a week. Working out how to play online poker is fairly straightforward these days. It just takes a simple sign-up, and if you’re looking to play with real money you’ll need to set up your account accordingly. But if you just want to set up a game with friends through an online platform, you can be up and playing in minutes, and having a great time with your buddies in the process.

Written Letters

I have to say that written letters might be my favorite solution of all. I agree with a lot of the advantages shared in this article written fairly early on in the 2020 crisis where the author started sending handwritten letters and found it to be more fulfilling than video chat meetings. There is something special about putting your thoughts down on paper and there is a special thrill when you receive a handwritten letter in the mail. Sure, it’s old-fashioned in a way that almost feels like a gimmick in the 2020s. But when you simply aren’t around people as much and you want to tell them how you’re doing and ask what they’re up to, a letter adds a personal touch that cannot be replicated by anything else. On the phone or over Zoom, it’s all too easy to settle for responses like “same old same old,” or “not much new!” But in a written letter, people tend to do a bit more sharing, and it makes for a feeling of intimacy that can otherwise be hard to establish at a distance.

Connecting with others is always important, and has been all the more so in light of widespread isolation in the past year. Of course, we’re all looking forward to being able to socialize normally in public again, and that will certainly help. But we all have distant connections even in the best of times, and my hope is that some of the methods and strategies outlined above continue to help with those connections even in happy and healthy times.

Remember, you can change your life, one connection at a time!