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If the last year has taught us anything, it’s that maintaining connections with others over distance can be challenging. Many of us — despite being outgoing or having the best intentions — struggle to maintain connections even when we’re free to come and go as we please. It’s easy to forget to check in on good friends, make plans and forget to follow up, and so on. And with the added complication of forced distance, such as what which we’ve all experienced for the past year, it can be even harder to set aside and organize time to connect.

The good news is that with conditions improving, there’s the hope of less social distance in the months and year ahead. Regardless of how and when we can ease up on precautions though, we’ve learned the value of developing fun and reliable ways to connect over distance. So, whether for the next few months under the pandemic or the future thereafter, I thought it would be useful to point to a few of the effective solutions I’ve come across in the past year.

Video Chats

It’s no exaggeration to say that video chats have become a vital part of modern society. This is why, in light of the pandemic, the importance of virtual executive presence has become a common discussion point on this very site. But beyond its significance in the professional arena, video chat is also crucial to maintaining relationships over distance. In case you are wondering, yes, I’ve experienced Zoom fatigue like the rest of you. I find myself turning the video camera on less that I did earlier in the pandemic. Still, moving forward, tools like Zoom and Skype will still be very useful for those looking to connect over distance.

Watch Parties

For me personally, one of the real revelations of the pandemic has been the remote watch party. This is basically just what it sounds like: multiple people in different locations tuning in to watch shows and films at the same time. In some cases, streaming platforms even place chat windows beside viewing screens, so that people can talk to friends and family while watching. It can be a novel and flexible way to connect such that is something worth doing both with friends and relatives, and has value even when we’re completely clear of the pandemic. The ability to watch a film online while chatting with college friends dotted all around the country is, for me, a wonderful treat and a fun way to stay in touch.

Book Club Email Chains

I realize the book club thing isn’t for everyone, and frankly I don’t think it’s likely to be sustainable in a group that isn’t already fond of reading. In other words, if you look to start a remote book club with a few friends or family members who need to be persuaded to read for pleasure… well, I wish you luck! But as a regular reader with a few friends who are fellow book nerds, I find this can be another good way to maintain some social connection amidst isolation. Consider a group started late last summer in a very informal way — just exchanging thoughts and recaps in an email chain and keeping pace with each other — and having a lot of fun. (Some great books so far are “The Splendid And The Vile” by Erik Larson, “Where The Crawdads Sing” by Delia Owens, “Warlight” by Michael Ondaatje, and “Piranesi” by Susanna Clarke, for those who might be curious!).

Online Poker

Online poker is easy to dabble in and helps pass the time —recently there have been more free-to-play apps in which it’s you versus “the computer.” But if you are looking for new ways to connect socially over distance, you can give more sophisticated forms of the game a look, such as getting some friends together for a virtual game once or twice a week. Working out how to play online poker is fairly straightforward these days. It just takes a simple sign-up, and if you’re looking to play with real money you’ll need to set up your account accordingly. But if you just want to set up a game with friends through an online platform, you can be up and playing in minutes, and having a great time with your buddies in the process.

Written Letters

I have to say that written letters might be my favorite solution of all. I agree with a lot of the advantages shared in this article written fairly early on in the 2020 crisis where the author started sending handwritten letters and found it to be more fulfilling than video chat meetings. There is something special about putting your thoughts down on paper and there is a special thrill when you receive a handwritten letter in the mail. Sure, it’s old-fashioned in a way that almost feels like a gimmick in the 2020s. But when you simply aren’t around people as much and you want to tell them how you’re doing and ask what they’re up to, a letter adds a personal touch that cannot be replicated by anything else. On the phone or over Zoom, it’s all too easy to settle for responses like “same old same old,” or “not much new!” But in a written letter, people tend to do a bit more sharing, and it makes for a feeling of intimacy that can otherwise be hard to establish at a distance.

Connecting with others is always important, and has been all the more so in light of widespread isolation in the past year. Of course, we’re all looking forward to being able to socialize normally in public again, and that will certainly help. But we all have distant connections even in the best of times, and my hope is that some of the methods and strategies outlined above continue to help with those connections even in happy and healthy times.

Remember, you can change your life, one connection at a time!

There is a word, often overused, that means the output of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts — synergy. Most of us don’t have to be convinced of the benefits of teamwork and how working together, you can accomplish much greater things than you could have separately.

And while this sounds great in theory, you’ve probably also experienced times where you wished you could just work alone. Perhaps the team was not on the same page, arguing, or even working against each other. Sometimes, it gets so bad you start to wish everyone could just go to their own corners and work separately — a team in name only.

What is the difference between a team that is humming along like a well-oiled machine and a team that is grinding to a halt? If you want a better outcome for your team, a good place to start is by looking at what helps the respective parts work better together.

THE FIVE PRINCIPLES OF FLOW

In an earlier article we discussed how being connected and having the same goals as another team member is no guarantee of success. We learned the importance of staying commited, despite discomfort, to finding a way of moving foward that works for both people. Let’s build on what we learned from Principle #1 and look at another principle that will help your team run better.

Principle #2: Move at a pace that your partner can naturally match.

Think about running a three-legged race. Two people stand shoulder-to-shoulder with their inside legs tied together. In order to reach the goal and cross the finish line together you will need to stay in sync or you will be slowed down or worse, crash to the ground halting progress completely.

Ever notice what happens when you move at a pace that doesn’t match your partner’s? You encounter active resistance. If you are moving too fast and you try to pull them along faster than they are capable, the result is usually injury. Think about the effort involved in dragging your fallen, slower three-legged race partner roughly across the finish line. Conversely, when you are moving too slow and holding them back, the result is frustration and in some cases, even abandonment. Imagine your race partner untying your legs and saying, “What’s the point? I quit!”

The Secret to Matching Your Partner

In order to go as fast as possible, both you and your partner must be comfortable and relaxed so that you can move in a way that matches each other’s movements. The way to do this is counterintuitive — you do this by starting out going more slowly.

When you go slowly, you are able to move smoothly together. And when you move smoothly, you will move as quickly as possible under the circumstances. This concept is taught to soldiers and martial artists.

Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast.

When students are having difficulty learning a new Aikido technique, sometimes the instructor will have us practice at half speed. Practicing at a reduced speed helps you learn the cleanest and most effective version of the movement, which is difficult to do when you are under pressure and rushing through a technique.

Moving slowly helps you when it is time to move at full speed. This is because you need the right form to be effective and when you rush, your form breaks down. When you move slowly, carefully, and deliberately, you’re preparing to move as fast as you can while still being effective. Think about the last time you rushed through something. When rushing we tend to stumble, fumble, and fall, so the increased speed actually works against our success.

When you begin by going slowly, both partners learn how to move more smoothly together, which means they will move as fast as possible. Going faster is not helpful if it results in your partner crashing and falling, either taking you down or making it even more difficult for you to move forward.

How we choose to handle ourselves, not others is the real key to teamwork.

When we move in the most helpful way for our partner, the situation, and the team — our actions contribute to a positive flow of teamwork. When you are on a team that is just not working well together, stop and figure out what you can change about your own actions to improve the situation. You may be surprised by the results!

This is all great if people are still trying, but what if they have checked out? With Principle #3 of the 5 Principles of Flow we look at the secret to succeeding when someone doesn’t even want to help.

This article was adapted from the new leadership book, Unlock Your Connection. Find it here, along with other books from the Unlock Your Leadership series.

Joe Kwon, the Connection Counselor is a leadership coach and keynote speaker who helps elevate careers by unlocking the ability to better connect with yourself and others. Contact him if you'd like his help.

To find out more and to access free leadership videos, podcasts, and guides, go to www.connectioncounselor.com.

There is really nothing but the flow. You are not really on the bank. That, methinks, is the greatest illusion of all. You are the bank, the flow, the boat, the rudder.

–Nicoletta Baumeister

Growing up, some of my fondest summer memories were of the annual picnic held by our church at Overpeck County Park. The smell of kalbi (Korean BBQ) in the air, the thrill at the sound of the ice cream truck chimes, and the splash-tastic fun of the paddle boats made the picnic special. This action-packed day would always end with games and contests.

One of my favorite events was the three-legged race. Each team consists of a pair standing shoulder to shoulder. Then, their inside legs are tied together with a handkerchief, so each pair has three legs instead of four. At the whistle, each team races to the finish line as fast as they can – doing their best to coordinate their movements, so they don’t fall to the ground in a heap of limbs.

This fun, silly, and mildly hazardous game aptly illustrates how difficult it is for two people to work effectively together on a team. This can be difficult even when they both have the same goal in mind. If you’ve ever participated in a three-legged race, you know that simply binding your legs more tightly together is not the answer. Without excellent coordination between both people, one or both of you will end up on the ground.

The Fiasco

Imagine you have begun an important project, but your normal partner is out on vacation or leave, so you’ve been paired with a different coworker. You are talented, competent, and have a vested interest in doing a great job. What makes you nervous is you’ve heard that this coworker can sometimes be difficult to work with. In truth, maybe you’ve heard others say this same exact thing about you, but you worked so well with your normal partner that you’ve long since forgotten about this 360 degree feedback.

At the very first meeting, the cracks begin to show. Neither of you can agree on the best way to tackle the project. The timeline, project management, resources needed - you disagree on all of these. Unfortunately, it’s too much work for just one person to handle and practically impossible to divide things up without first agreeing on the basic approach. After weeks of arguing and project problems caused by being out of sync, your manager tells both of you that there will be consequences and reprecussions if the two of you cannot get on the same page. Instead of switching one of you to a different project, you are both tasked with figuring it out. Now what? How do you even begin to work together so the result is rewarding and productive, instead of painful and disastrous?

THE 5 PRINCIPLES OF FLOW

It’s important to remember that even though you are connected (by the same goal and being on the same team), you are still two separate entities. As a result, in order to get anything accomplished, both of you must move in a way that flows with the movement of the other. This is because your work is interdependent. Working separately without regard to what the other is doing will cause things to break. When one or both of you falls out of sync with the other, the result is discomfort, and eventually, once the strain is too much to bear, disconnection.

“I’ve noticed this before. Things will be great one moment and then everything goes kaput. What can I do to prevent this?”

When you follow the principles of flow, you move in a way that is natural for both you and the other person. Being in flow does not require you to be doing the same exact thing, but it requires you to move in a way that accommodates both people. When the way you move and the way the other person moves are in flow, the result is smooth and powerful like two rivers joining together. Let’s take a look at the first of the 5 Principles of Flow that help us work effectively with others.

Principle #1: Move in a way that your partner can naturally move.

Think about the natural range of movement of your arm. Your lower arm below the elbow can bend fully forward, but cannot bend backwards past a certain point. At certain angles, your shoulder or elbow locks up and your arm can’t rotate or move any further in that direction.

What happens when your arm is forced to move beyond its natural range of movement? First, there is pain, which is your body telling you to stop doing that. Then, if the motion continues past a certain point, you could be seriously injured.

Being connected to another person is double-edged sword. While we gain many benefits from being connected, we also lose a certain degree of freedom. By freedom, I don’t mean we have to follow or obey the other person’s wishes. What I mean is when we are connected, our range of movement becomes necessarily restricted if we want to move without hurting the other person.

The person you are connected to can only move in the way they can currently move and no more. Your desire to have them move beyond that will not change reality. If you move in a way that forces them to exceed their limits, this will cause pain, and if you continue past a certain point, it will break the connection. For example, there may be certain values, standards, or beliefs that the other person holds that they are not able or ready to change. It could be as trivial as what time to schedule meetings or as important as who does what.

“Surely, you are not telling me I must defer to the other person’s limitations? Surely, you are not telling me I shouldn’t challenge them or insist on what I need?”

 I’m not telling you that – and don’t call me Shirley. When it seems what you want or need is incompatible with the way the other person can move, this is not the end of the story. Where we get stuck is the belief that we have to have it all our way or no way at all. And the other person often takes the same stance. The key to moving forward in flow is understanding there is a third way.

The longer and stronger our connection, the greater the ability to understand each other and find ways to move together.

When your movement causes the other person pain or vice-versa, it’s not an either-or scenario. The key is to find a way to stay connected despite the discomfort, while moving to a path that works for both of you. What prevents this from happening is when we are close-minded about exploring other options or when we disengage completely. When you remain open to exploring other options and endure the discomfort, it is surprising how often you can find the flow, which is the right path for both of you.

If instead, you issue an ultimatum, you are forcing the other person to disconnect or to injure themselves. This is not about you staying true to yourself, though this sounds like a fine explanation. A “my way or the highway” approach is more about valuing your preferences more than your partner’s.

When you move in a way that allows you to stay connected despite discomfort, and in doing so give yourself the best chance to stay connected, this is being true to yourself.

If you are wondering about Principle #2 of the 5 Principles of Flow or what else you can do to work better with others, we explore both here.

This content was adapted from Chapter 5 of my forthcoming book, Unlock Your Connection, available for pre-order now, and delivered on September 15th!

To find out more about the Unlock Your Leadership series of books, including Unlock Your Charisma and Unlock Your Executive Presence, go to www.connectioncounselor.com.

To get the latest updates and additional information, sign up for the Connection Counselor community at www.connectioncounselor.com/freestuff