There is really nothing but the flow. You are not really on the bank. That, methinks, is the greatest illusion of all. You are the bank, the flow, the boat, the rudder.
–Nicoletta Baumeister
Growing up, some of my fondest summer memories were of the annual picnic held by our church at Overpeck County Park. The smell of kalbi (Korean BBQ) in the air, the thrill at the sound of the ice cream truck chimes, and the splash-tastic fun of the paddle boats made the picnic special. This action-packed day would always end with games and contests.
One of my favorite events was the three-legged race. Each team consists of a pair standing shoulder to shoulder. Then, their inside legs are tied together with a handkerchief, so each pair has three legs instead of four. At the whistle, each team races to the finish line as fast as they can – doing their best to coordinate their movements, so they don’t fall to the ground in a heap of limbs.
This fun, silly, and mildly hazardous game aptly illustrates how difficult it is for two people to work effectively together on a team. This can be difficult even when they both have the same goal in mind. If you’ve ever participated in a three-legged race, you know that simply binding your legs more tightly together is not the answer. Without excellent coordination between both people, one or both of you will end up on the ground.
The Fiasco
Imagine you have begun an important project, but your normal partner is out on vacation or leave, so you’ve been paired with a different coworker. You are talented, competent, and have a vested interest in doing a great job. What makes you nervous is you’ve heard that this coworker can sometimes be difficult to work with. In truth, maybe you’ve heard others say this same exact thing about you, but you worked so well with your normal partner that you’ve long since forgotten about this 360 degree feedback.
At the very first meeting, the cracks begin to show. Neither of you can agree on the best way to tackle the project. The timeline, project management, resources needed - you disagree on all of these. Unfortunately, it’s too much work for just one person to handle and practically impossible to divide things up without first agreeing on the basic approach. After weeks of arguing and project problems caused by being out of sync, your manager tells both of you that there will be consequences and reprecussions if the two of you cannot get on the same page. Instead of switching one of you to a different project, you are both tasked with figuring it out. Now what? How do you even begin to work together so the result is rewarding and productive, instead of painful and disastrous?
THE 5 PRINCIPLES OF FLOW
It’s important to remember that even though you are connected (by the same goal and being on the same team), you are still two separate entities. As a result, in order to get anything accomplished, both of you must move in a way that flows with the movement of the other. This is because your work is interdependent. Working separately without regard to what the other is doing will cause things to break. When one or both of you falls out of sync with the other, the result is discomfort, and eventually, once the strain is too much to bear, disconnection.
“I’ve noticed this before. Things will be great one moment and then everything goes kaput. What can I do to prevent this?”
When you follow the principles of flow, you move in a way that is natural for both you and the other person. Being in flow does not require you to be doing the same exact thing, but it requires you to move in a way that accommodates both people. When the way you move and the way the other person moves are in flow, the result is smooth and powerful like two rivers joining together. Let’s take a look at the first of the 5 Principles of Flow that help us work effectively with others.
Principle #1: Move in a way that your partner can naturally move.
Think about the natural range of movement of your arm. Your lower arm below the elbow can bend fully forward, but cannot bend backwards past a certain point. At certain angles, your shoulder or elbow locks up and your arm can’t rotate or move any further in that direction.
What happens when your arm is forced to move beyond its natural range of movement? First, there is pain, which is your body telling you to stop doing that. Then, if the motion continues past a certain point, you could be seriously injured.
Being connected to another person is double-edged sword. While we gain many benefits from being connected, we also lose a certain degree of freedom. By freedom, I don’t mean we have to follow or obey the other person’s wishes. What I mean is when we are connected, our range of movement becomes necessarily restricted if we want to move without hurting the other person.
The person you are connected to can only move in the way they can currently move and no more. Your desire to have them move beyond that will not change reality. If you move in a way that forces them to exceed their limits, this will cause pain, and if you continue past a certain point, it will break the connection. For example, there may be certain values, standards, or beliefs that the other person holds that they are not able or ready to change. It could be as trivial as what time to schedule meetings or as important as who does what.
“Surely, you are not telling me I must defer to the other person’s limitations? Surely, you are not telling me I shouldn’t challenge them or insist on what I need?”
I’m not telling you that – and don’t call me Shirley. When it seems what you want or need is incompatible with the way the other person can move, this is not the end of the story. Where we get stuck is the belief that we have to have it all our way or no way at all. And the other person often takes the same stance. The key to moving forward in flow is understanding there is a third way.
The longer and stronger our connection, the greater the ability to understand each other and find ways to move together.
When your movement causes the other person pain or vice-versa, it’s not an either-or scenario. The key is to find a way to stay connected despite the discomfort, while moving to a path that works for both of you. What prevents this from happening is when we are close-minded about exploring other options or when we disengage completely. When you remain open to exploring other options and endure the discomfort, it is surprising how often you can find the flow, which is the right path for both of you.
If instead, you issue an ultimatum, you are forcing the other person to disconnect or to injure themselves. This is not about you staying true to yourself, though this sounds like a fine explanation. A “my way or the highway” approach is more about valuing your preferences more than your partner’s.
When you move in a way that allows you to stay connected despite discomfort, and in doing so give yourself the best chance to stay connected, this is being true to yourself.
If you are wondering about Principle #2 of the 5 Principles of Flow or what else you can do to work better with others, we explore both here.
This content was adapted from Chapter 5 of my forthcoming book, Unlock Your Connection, available for pre-order now, and delivered on September 15th!
To find out more about the Unlock Your Leadership series of books, including Unlock Your Charisma and Unlock Your Executive Presence, go to www.connectioncounselor.com.
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