In the Mirror Series: How Seeing Ourselves More Clearly Can Make the World a Better Place

Part 3: The Apology Window

Have you ever messed up so badly you wished you could just curl up into a ball and disappear? Have you ever said something so horrible you fear that apologizing will only make things worse?

When you’ve done or said something truly unspeakable, it’s not unusual to feel an incredibly strong urge to not speak of it. In a way, to wish it out of existence.

The problem is an injured person is like a camp fire. It seems like if you just leave it alone the fire will go out on its own. Instead, what usually happens is though it may look like it is out, the embers deep in the ash are still alive and all it takes is a little kindling to set things ablaze again!

Why do we hesitate to apologize even when we know we’ve done something wrong?

One of the main reasons we resist apologizing is that doing so challenges our self image by making us face that fact that we acted badly. Not necessarily that we are a bad person, but that we did behave badly and hurt someone. And for some people, it can be difficult separating your actions from your identity of who you are. When this is the case, apologizing is even harder because in your mind those actions prove you are a bad person.

All this can add to a bitter Apology Procrastination Cocktail

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Recipe:

1 part - It’s probably better to let them cool off first

1/2 serving - It wasn’t all me

1 part - I need time to find the right words

Directions:

Pour all ingredients into an Awkward Container and stir until days, months or years have passed

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Recently I said something hurtful to a friend. I tried to make a joke and semi-apologized, but as we parted I could tell they were still upset. My first instinct was to just let it go, but I had the feeling that it would just make it harder to repair the damage if I didn’t give a real apology. Luckily, I was able to get in touch with them right away and apologize the right way. If I’m honest I can say even though I know I did the right thing by apologizing, I really, really didn’t want to and maybe never would have if I hadn’t done it immediately.

In order to avoid this from happening to you, I suggest using the 5 Second Rule to help you time your apology. Unless the person is too upset to even be in the same room with you, a good rule of thumb is to apologize right away when you have messed up. If you miss this window of timing, you run the risk of never apologizing at all and jeopardizing your relationship with that person. In her book “The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage,” Mel Robbins shares her 5 Second Rule which is a great way to ensure you apologize right away.

Here’s the one-liner definition of the 5 Second Rule:

If you have an impulse to act on a goal, you must physically move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill the idea.

Everybody knows someone who through a combination of pride, obstinacy, and you-go-first mentality has a once close relationship that has been damaged for far too long. It could be a parent or child, close friend or even a work colleague.

 It’s never too late to apologize or ask forgiveness and doing so will lighten your heart and help you move forward.

Your Move: What apologies have waited too long? How can you get started healing old wounds and moving forward?

These days it seems like you can't go a week without reading another article or being invited to another company meeting extolling the virtues of diversity. And can we just decide once and for all, whether it’s Diversity & Inclusion or Inclusion & Diversity? You have probably heard at least one of these statistics that are supposed to convince you that diversity is a magical elixir for all that ails corporate America.

Companies that have more diverse management teams have 19% higher revenue

Source: Boston Consulting Group (BCG)

Inclusive companies are 1.7 times more likely to be innovation leaders in their market

Source: Josh Bersin research

Racially and ethnically diverse companies outperform industry norms by 35%

Source: McKinsey

Well gosh golly, if there are statistics to point to, it must be a slam dunk, right?

Don't get me wrong, I'm a poster child for diversity. While still in my 20’s I was having some coverage problems, but refused to join the Hair Club for Men. Instead, I opted for the full Shaolin monk treatment. This was before shaved heads were relatively normal to see in the office. I still remember the look of distress on the face of the VP of Employment Law as he said, "There's something . . . different . . . about you today," just as he realized what it was. I let him off pretty gently. If this doctored photo of me is any indication, I think we can all agree that shaving my head was the right decision. Alas, my K-pop boy band destiny was never meant to be.

Still, sometimes I can't shake the feeling that there is something missing in the diversity discussion. Maybe you feel it, too. It's okay to admit it. The bald guy feels it, too. Maybe you feel like you have only been told the shiny parts of the story. It's like getting engaged to a charming someone with a high-paying job only to find out after the wedding that you are now drowning in debt. Or maybe there is a disconnect between the sexy statistics being thrown around and your own, less than glamorous experiences.

Enter Chris Jean-Charles - veteran of the United States Marine Corps, KPMG alum and former pet project of mine. My mission, as I jokingly told him, was to take this fit, disciplined, highly trained soldier and turn him into a soft, corporate marshmallow. There were some bright moments along the way (free pizza always helps and truffle fries might as well be Kryptonite), but in the end I failed and for totally unrelated reasons (Chris has assured me!), he moved on to follow his entrepreneurial dreams. While we worked together, we talked a lot about how many of the leadership principles he learned in the Marines were applicable to corporate America.

This got me wondering, how does diversity work in the military, where collaborating effectively can be a matter of life and death? Chris and I met over lunch at a local pizzeria (see what I did there?) to discuss. I wanted to get his perspective on what works and what doesn't. Below is a summary of what I learned.

"When does diversity have a negative impact?"

Having a diversity of ideas about how to do things is just the starting point. In order to take advantage you also need a mechanism to decide what ideas to keep and what ideas to discard. Otherwise, you have chaos as arguments about whose idea is best go round and round. So let's say you have that mechanism and a decision has been made. Guess what? We're still not done! You also need buy-in from everyone. Justin Bariso during the Why It Works podcast on EQ, discussed the concept of "Disagree and Commit," often attributed to Intel. You don’t have to agree, but once the decision is made, the entire team needs to execute fully in good faith. In other words, when people aggressively or passive-aggressively sabotage the implementation, you're going to have a problem. So there is a people management aspect that cannot be overlooked.

"What types of leaders leverage diversity positively?"

The strength of diversity is also its weakness. More viewpoints equal more points of friction. Some managers don't want to deal with challenges to their world view. In extreme cases, they just want yes-men/women or clones. This makes for less friction, but are they really getting the best results? We shouldn't overlook the way that diversity challenges your ego. The likely result, maybe even the point of diversity is to directly challenge what you, as a person, truly believe is the best way forward.

The best leaders realize they don't know everything. They realize that there is usually someone around who knows more than they do on a given issue. And guess what, this doesn’t intimidate them. They relish the access to this information. Even though the leader is responsible for making the final decision and is accountable for the results, that doesn't mean they must decide without input from others.

Another weakness of diversity is that more viewpoints can make decision-making less efficient because analyzing the additional options will require more time. It's important to recognize that not all decisions carry the same time-sensitivity. Good leaders know which decisions need to be made swiftly vs. which ones can benefit from further discussion, and they communicate this clearly to their teams.

"How can leaders effectively lead a diverse team?"

Three insights here. The first one surprised me, in a good way.

1. Make sure the team meets its goals. Excellence and success breed connection and collaboration. Mediocrity and failure invite blame and divisiveness.

2. Encourage healthy conflict and lead by example. Make sure people are not afraid to disagree with you or speak up. This will encourage them to disagree with their teammates as well. There is a great discussion of this in the business book, Radical Candor.

3. Set the rules of engagement for healthy conflict. While you want people to be passionate and to give voice to their disagreement, they should always be respectful. Fight over whether an idea is stupid, but don’t call others stupid for having an idea that is different.

I hope this has given you some additional, real-world perspective on diversity and if you are like me (the conflicted about diversity part, not the bald part), informed your thinking about how we can better navigate these complex waters.

Please share your own experiences with diversity (or lack thereof) in the comments below.

And if you'd like to discuss further how your diverse teams can best leverage the principles of the Connection Code to achieve the best results, reach out to me on LinkedIn. I'm happy to discuss!

Special thanks to Chris Jean-Charles for taking the time to chat with me on the very important topic of diversity. To find out more about Chris or to connect with him and learn more about his latest adventures, find him on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/chrisjean-charles/

Bonus: Listen to Chris’ appearance on the Why It Works podcast as we discuss the topic of Blind Leaps.

Views expressed are my own.

In the Mirror Series: How Seeing Ourselves More Clearly Can Make the World a Better Place

Part 2: Mirror, Mirror, on the wall…

Have you ever been merrily row, row, rowing along the river of life and suddenly had a rude awakening? Someone says something that upends your sense of who you are and now your row boat is steadily taking on water, if it hasn’t capsized already.

• You are a selfish person.

• You are not a team player.

• You are a terrible father / daughter / [insert relationship]

What just happened?

A fundamental problem that all of us face is our ability to see ourselves clearly. Why is that, you might ask?

Our inability to see our true selves is a result of both lack of reliable feedback from those around us and our inability to distinguish from reliable and unreliable feedback.

Most of the time, other people are a poor mirror through which to see ourselves. Our friends, colleagues, and family, no matter how clearly they see us, generally sugarcoat things in order to avoid conflict or sometimes because they just don’t care enough to get into it with us.

In Radical Candor: Be a Kickass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, Kim Scott shares how in a work context, people develop best when they receive Radical Candor, which is when you are Challenged Directly by people who Care Personally about you.

Do you know someone, maybe they look like you, who during their performance evaluation is criticized for the first time about things that were never mentioned before? Does that make you more or less likely to be able to trust that feedback and benefit from it?

Do you know someone who has had a rough year performance wise, but it is never mentioned in the performance evaluation and instead they are given a generic “good” review?

And finally, do you know someone who is a wrecking ball in their personal life, but is always the last person to know and the knowledge usually comes in a severe fashion?

Why is this important, Joe? I have a good life and though I'm not perfect, do I really need to constantly worry about what others think of me? This sounds like a recipe for always being fearful and disappointing others.

I wholeheartedly agree that walking around constantly trying to please everybody is a recipe for disaster. Instead, what I’m focusing on is getting a realistic assessment of who you are. The reason this is important you need to see yourself as you truly are in order to improve.

Imagine a tennis player who has a horrible serve, but thinks it is great. So instead, they work day and night on their backhand and neglect their serve. This is find in the court of their mind and even during practice, but when it comes to the real game, they will falter.

So how do we get people to give us the candid feedback we need to improve?

Step 1. Ask sincerely for feedback. You’ll need to ask more than once and no one will believe that you really want it. So keep asking.

Step 2. When you receive feedback that upsets you or that find unbelievable, the only thing you should do is acknowledge the toughness of the feedback on you and thank the person for being courageous and caring enough to share it with you.

Step 3. In private, decide what you want to do with the feedback. Pay special attention to feedback you think is ridiculous, but more than one person has shared it.

The key thing to remember is you will grow tremendously and improve your life when you are able to see clearly the areas that need to be improved.

Your Move: Who will you dare ask for feedback? And how will you handle it?