Why does it sometimes feel hard to figure out the best way to help someone who is going through a tough time? It might be getting laid off, family problems, or an unexpected sickness, to name a few. Our sincere, if somewhat stock response often feels lame and ineffective, "Let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to help." More often than not you don't hear anything back, but you intuit that silence does not necessarily mean they couldn't use some assistance. Yet, you feel powerless to do anything without potentially intruding or making things worse.

The problem with a generic offer to help is when someone is suffering, there are various reasons why they won't ask you for help. Pride. Guilt. Shame. Trauma. The cognitive overload of what they are dealing with can make it impossible to deal with even the most ordinary tasks, let alone come up with suggestions for what others can do to help. So what can we do instead?

Sometimes it is useful to give some specific options of support we could offer. Things that don't require them do much beyond saying yes or no. Offering up options can trigger their thinking so even if none of the things you suggest is needed, it may bring to their mind something that would be helpful. A few examples.

Situation: You find out your good friend has lost their job.
Lame: Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Better: If you want, I can review your resume, do a mock interview with you, or meet up over dinner to brainstorm next steps.

Situation: A friend is going through a divorce.
Lame: Let me know if there is anything you need.
Better: Let me know if you want me to take the kids off your hands one evening so you have some quiet time to think or if you want me to bring over dinner one night so you have one less thing to worry about.

When a friend is suffering, it can be hard to relate and our tendency is to revert to platitudes that while well-intended, may not be helpful. Even the most well-intentioned of us doesn't always have the best responses on hand. Next time this comes up, try mentioning a few concrete options to help to a friend.

If you try this, let me know how it goes.

Next post Saturday, 6:30 a.m.

Have you ever been moved to get in touch with someone you've lost touch with, but felt a tug of hesitation? This might be a childhood friend, classmate, former colleague or even a loved one. The problem is, neither of you has reached out for a long time so you're not sure what to say or how to say it. Perhaps this uncertainty led you to ultimately do nothing. Or perhaps you did reach out, but what you wrote felt forced or awkward and the response back was lukewarm or nonexistent. I recently stumbled onto an EZPZ way to reconnect with someone that is simple, authentic, and powerful.

"So how can I reconnect with someone I haven't talked to in a while?"

The key to reestablishing a connection with someone is triggering a shared experience.

Humans respond more to experiences than to facts. The facts are like a black & white record of only what happened, while experiences hold the color commentary/meaning. Contrast two descriptions of the same hot day, "Remember that day it was over 100 degrees and we were both severely dehydrated?" vs. "Remember that day it was so blisteringly hot we both almost fainted on several occasions?" So while you undoubtedly have a lot in common with this person (e.g., schools, work, social circles), it is the shared experiences that hold the meaning which will enable you to reconnect.

"So how can I trigger shared experience?"

The best way to trigger a shared experience is through the senses.

Senses are powerful vehicles for recalling experiences. Apparently smell is the most powerful in this respect, but really all the senses can help bring you back to a former time and place. I always used to forget one in elementary school, but here they are: taste, sight, touch, smell, and hearing. Describing a shared experience in terms of what one was sensing at the time results in a more vivid and potent recollection. 

Below is a slightly modified version of my exchange with a former colleague that led me to stumble onto this. My interaction was over email, but the same principle applies over a letter, phone or video call, or in person. I've called out each (sense) in parentheses. Also, I've included some pictures to illustrate what experience might be triggered, but these pictures were not included in the email I sent.

My email to a former colleague:

From: Joe
To: Michael

Mmmn, empanadas...

Just the other day I was talking to some colleagues about empanadas and it brought me back to Buenos Aires (vision, sounds) and those amazing empanadas (taste, vision and smell, maybe touch) you introduced us to over there. Mr. Greenspots (vision) has had some limited travel since then, to Orlando for our annual vacation and to Zurich for a data protection review. Was a bit disappointed by the food until I found this amazing sausage place right near the hotel.

La Casa Rosada in Buenos Aires

How have you and the team been doing? Hope your holidays are going well so far.
Talk to you later.

Joe

Mr. Greenspots on a boat, he's my travel buddy for my son's benefit

Now the reply I received:

_____

From: Michael
To: Joe

What a nice surprise. You just brought back some cool memories. Everyone at the office is fine and doing well. I’ve had just a bit of travel this year, and after this last trip to London this week I should be done for the year.

I hope you and your family have a healthy and happy holiday season.

Talk to you soon.
Michael

_____

Putting it all together...

The key to reestablishing a connection with someone is triggering a shared experience through the senses.

So the next time you have the opportunity to reconnect with someone, think about the sights, sounds, sensations, aromas and flavors (good and bad) that you shared together and communicate these using words that revive them. It will help you reconnect, rekindle the relationship and maybe even lead to a few laughs along the way!

If you try this would love to hear how it went!

Next post Saturday, 6:30 a.m.

Everybody loves a comeback and the clearly recorded wins and losses in sports lend a certain simplicity and focus to such stories. Rocky, Rudy, and Friday Night Lights all highlight victories of one sort or another in the face of adversity.

At a young age Croatian tennis pro Mirjana Lucic-Baroni was a rising star with a string of successes, most notably winning the women's doubles title at the 1998 Australian Open. She was only 15-years-old. In the following years, she experienced many hardships, fewer successes, and eventually stopped playing in 2003. A few years later she embarked on an uphill return to professional tennis.     

Fast forward to the 2017 Australian open when Mirjana had a moment. The veteran defeated her 21 year old opponent to win a spot in the quarterfinals - 18 years after the last time she reached this point in a major tournament.

Immediately after the match, the on court interviewer acknowledged her longevity and overcoming the odds and asked, "What would you say to anyone else who is having a tough time out on the tour?"

Mirjana initially spoke about her toughness and how hard she had worked. Then, she hesitated and said she couldn't say what she really wanted to because she would be fined.

The interviewer prompted her to share anyway, "Oh go for it. Go for it!" and swept up in the moment, that was all the encouragement she needed.

With a touch of defiance beneath her composed exterior she shared this advice, 

"F everything and everybody, whoever tells you you can't do it. Just show up and do it with your heart."    

 The crowd applauded and whistled in support. If you've been struggling for a while now or are just down and out and need a kick start, I dare you to watch the interview and not feel inspired.

 

Note: She would win her next match, too, before going on to the semifinals and losing to Serena Williams, the eventual champion. To me, that's still a fairy tale ending and worth the price of admission.

Next post Saturday, 6:30 a.m.