I still remember that moment like it was yesterday, with an odd mixture of bemusement and shame. My very young son said something that sounded so obnoxious and so much older sounding than his years. I struggled to figure out where he learned this phrase, something along the lines of, "Well, that's not very helpful," and realized in horror he learned it from me!

Reality - 1, Joe's ego - 0. 

Most of the time, other people are a poor mirror through which to see ourselves. Our friends and colleagues, no matter how clearly they see us, generally sugarcoat things in order to avoid conflict, conserve energy and because of a relatively small investment in who we become.

Our parents know us better, but there are challenges here, too. Rose-colored glasses, guilt, or fear of damaging the relationship can all argue against sharing too much truth. 

Now on the other hand, our young children, they have no agenda. They just reflect back what they see and hear. Got a problem with road rage? Don't be surprised at the words and gestures they have magically learned. Stingy with tips? The same behavior will be modeled. As I learned that day, our young children are a brutally accurate mirror of who we are.

It's a gift really, if we open our hearts to accept the unintentionally provided feedback. It is a chance to really know ourselves better and without the doubts about the other person's agenda getting in the way.

Why is this important, Joe? I have a good life and though I'm not perfect, do I really need to take cues from a child? Or maybe I don't have a kid and I'm pretty happy with who I am. Why should I even bother thinking about this? 

You have every right to be happy with who you are and minimize consideration of feedback concerning yourself. Plenty of people go through life this way and seem to do alright.

The key thing to remember here is that your world is a reflection of who you are. We can only give what we have inside. And in a righteous twist of karma, we can only receive what we give. So if you want something in your life, you must possess it yourself first, and then give it to others. If you want a loving person in your life, you must love yourself AND be a person who gives love to others. Only then will love come into your life. There is no amount of power and money that will work to enable you to order up love and have it delivered to your doorstep like Amazon Prime same day delivery. 

On the other hand, if you find your life and the company you keep miserable, stop and consider for a second whether you are miserable inside and are unconsciously projecting and attracting the very misery you abhor by the way you move through life.

The world is configured to be a REFLECTION of who YOU ARE. And since the world is a reflection of you, you are the source. The source comes first.

Next post next Saturday, 6:30 a.m. 

Next post next Saturday, 6:30 a.m.

Title note: In the title when I say X, I mean [insert name here] and not necessarily your ex-GF, BF, spouse, partner, etc. So X might be your kid, your coworker, or your mailman. 

"You BLEW IT!"

We have a silly, recurring thing we do in our household based on a scene from the movie Cop Land. In it Sheriff Freddy Heflin (played by Sylvester Stallone) comes bursting into Moe Tilden's office (played by Robert DeNiro) and is scrambling to board the "S.S. Do The Right Thing." But that ship has already sailed. 

DeNiro's verbal thrashing is the type that plays over and over my your head - haunting and taunting me after I make a stupid mistake.

"I offered you a chance when we could have done something, I offered you a chance to be a cop, and YOU BLEW IT! You blew it."

Then, disappointment, shame and regret wash over my hunched shoulders as I picture a dismayed DeNiro plop into his chair and resume eating his sandwich. Brutal. Just brutal.

When might this scene play out in our household?

• How about the time we went on vacation and the only thing I was asked to pack was my toothbrush. "You blew it!"
• Or that birthday call that was made a day late. "You blew it!"
• Try not filling up the gas tank the day before Hurricane Sandy. "You blew it!"

Thankfully, those are all incidents we can laugh about today with no permanent damage suffered. However, there is another type of "You blew it!" moment that is more serious. Have you ever had the best intentions of communicating, in a spirit of honest concern, an issue to a friend or loved one and it ends up like a scene from the Walking Dead? Feelings hurt, egos mangled, and barely enough energy to remember why you bothered in the first place. What just happened to turn your good faith outreach into a bloody nightmare?

The Bubble of Understanding

Try this. Picture the person you are talking to inside a giant bubble. Any communication that takes place inside that bubble is clearly understood. 

You lost me, Joe. What is this bubble and how is this supposed to help me? 

Great question. The edge of the bubble marks the furthest limits of that person's understanding. And here's a crucial point. What makes up the inside of the bubble are all the things that contribute to what that person is able to understand.

It might include any and all of the following:

• Cultural background
• Generational perspective
• Conscious or unconscious biases
• Intelligence
• Emotional maturity
• Energy level or mood
• And so on...

In other words, the "world" of the listener is inside the bubble. Your world might be very different from theirs. The important point is you have to be inside their bubble of understanding for any real communicating to take place - otherwise, you are just broadcasting and no one is receiving. So I won't bother telling a 5 year old about how privacy laws impact global IT systems. That would be a waste of time. And talking to my parents about the intricacies of the Pokemon Trading card game is similarly a non-starter.

How about some answers, Joe? As Vizzini says in the Princess Bride, "I'M WAITING!!!"

Glad you asked. So with no further ado... 

EZPZ Tip #1: fit the message inside your listener's bubble

Remember, anything outside the bubble is pretty much wasted breath. And NEVER, ever assume that anyone else's bubble is the same as yours! It doesn't matter whether they have the same parents, grew up in the same town or had the same education as you. Nobody will perceive and understand things in exactly the same way you do. So in other words, no one will understand 100% of the things you say in the same way you do.

You can't be serious, Joe! You mean I have to tailor all my messages to each individual I'm talking to?!

In truth, you don't HAVE to do anything. You can just say it in a way you know you would understand and cross your fingers. Or you could get upset when people sometimes don't understand what you are you saying even though you are saying it (in your own mind, at least) in a super clear, helpful manner.

The main point here is to recognize the inherent difficulty in communicating with another human being and taking that into account in how you approach your expectations for what will be understood and how much work it might take.

EZPZ TIP #2: CONSIDER THAT THE BUBBLE CHANGES FROM MOMENT TO MOMENT

Have you ever noticed you can say the same exact thing or ask the same exact question and get a different answer at different moments? No? Well my wife has!

I used to drive her crazy with my consistent inconsistency. We'd be navigating the IKEA labyrinth or chatting at dinner and she would ask me, "What do you think about buying a new couch?" 

On some days I would hesitate, and on other days I would be flippantly agreeable. My (half) joking advice was to just keep asking me on at different times until she got the answer she wanted. While this was a joking example, there is a true lesson to be learned here. 

Not only do you have to get inside the bubble, sometimes, people put shields up that make it difficult or impossible to get into the bubble. 

What do I mean by this?

Sometimes, it's something your X can understand, but under certain conditions and often without consciously doing so, they put a shield up that stops what would normally work from working. 

What causes shields to go up? This is not an exhaustive list, but a useful rule of thumb is the acronym HALT. Shields tend to go up when the person is:

• Hungry 
• Angry 
• Lonely
• Tired

So what does this mean? Do I have to monitor how everyone is doing before I talk to them?

Absolutely not. And I can understand the sentiment that good intent and clear messaging should be enough. As for me, I'd prefer the frustration of waiting for the best time to talk or first trying to improve the person's mood over the frustration of not being understood.

P.S. I first heard this concept from my friend Stefano Matini on my Why It Works podcast. Thanks Stefano for allowing me to steal this!