Over some spicy food had a chat with Turtle about some career angst. Turtle had recently started a new job and was killing it. Now the big boss wanted to work directly with Turtle on special projects. What's not to like? The problem was Turtle had been burned in the past by bosses who were great in small doses, but a horror show in firefighting mode. The new boss had a different style than the old boss, but could Turtle trust them? Would encouraging this new dynamic be a disaster? Was there even a choice?

Turtle’s past traumatic experiences were coloring the current situation. When we are deeply disappointed by someone it's typical to react with, "I'll never let this happen to me again."

We talked about Principle #3 of the Connection Counselor's 4 Perspective Principles - REALITY.

We’ve all been let down at some point or another. That’s human. The thing that makes it hurt the most, however, is when we are hurt by those we never imagined would hurt us. In a way, by putting an unrealistic expectation on another person, we set ourselves up for a bigger fall.

"We are all capable of divine beauty and unimaginable horrors."

Or to steal a line from Victoria Aveyard’s the Red Queen, “Anyone can betray anyone.”

It’s not that certain people, say our parents or friends don’t owe us a duty of care or loyalty. And totally disconnecting from others based on fear is tragic and not admirable. It’s about accepting the reality that those who “should” be there for us sometimes will not be and that others who owe us nothing will sometimes surprise us.

Once we accept reality and let go of the entitlement of “should,” the hubris of thinking we are an expert judge of character, and the righteousness of our opinions about correct behavior - the disappointments are less tragic and the surprises are less astounding.

Accepting reality allows us to move forward without the crippling fears of disappointment and to have a more balanced reaction to the unpredictable swells of life.

I don’t know how things will turn out, but I hope Turtle will not allow the past to dictate the future. We have to decide how to live life knowing that we cannot always predict the heroes and villains. Sometimes we will get it right, sometimes we will get it wrong. All we can do is choose the best perspective for ourselves.

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Want more Perspective Principles?

Receive a FREE copy of the Connection Counselor's 4 Perspective Principles as detailed in “Your Secret Superpower: Learn to Control Time, Reality and Emotions” by signing up to the Connection Counselor Community here:

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If you have any questions, reach out to joe@connectioncounselor.com

In the Mirror Series: How Seeing Ourselves More Clearly Can Make the World a Better Place

Part 4: Your Greatness Bottled

Have you ever noticed that when you are actually trying to gain or lose weight, your body always seems to drift back to a set point, like a thermostat?

In "The Hungry Brain: Outsmarting the Instincts That Make Us Overeat," Stephan J. Guyenet Ph.D. reveals why this happens and how we can overcome this tendency in order to finally lose weight and keep it off.

This got me thinking about how people, myself included, also have a Misery thermostat. You might alternatively call it a Happiness thermostat.

Think about a person you know that no matter what, is always at the same, miserable level. Good weather or bad, good fortune or bad luck, they always gravitate to a certain level of misery. Take a moment and look in the mirror and you may notice that you do the same thing. Whether our set point is high or low, we always gravitate back to it regardless of life's events.

So if this is true, are we just stuck, Joe? Like our weight, is there anything we can do to move the set point permanently?

Great question!

To change your Misery thermostat, find the joy in your misery and fill it in a different way.

What this means is you must first determine what goal being miserable serves in your life. Once you figure that out, you can replace the misery-related activities with more positive activities, but always in service of the same goal.

For example, let's say a person has a miserable attitude towards school. They place low expectations on how they do in school because they don't want to compete directly with their older sibling, who has always been exceptional in school. So they learn to dislike school and check out of the competition.

What goal does this serve? The goal is to not be hurt by lack of their parent's approval or love.

So by being miserable in school and not trying they hope to avoid any comparison with their older (in their mind, better) sibling which might negatively affect their parent's love for them.

Once this dynamic is understood, they can then replace the dislike of school with other, more positive activities that serve the same goal of positive attention from their parents. As long as the ultimate goal was their parent’s approval, no amount of other remedies related to making school better or changing schools will matter.

There isn't a single answer here, but the person might instead get more involved in a hobby or interest of their parents, find a specific part of school that they can excel at, or even face the competition and do their best with the realization that their value is not determined by the evaluation of other people, including their own parents.

Your Move: What things have you done to move your Misery Thermostat? What do you plan to do?

Rough week?

They say videos of cute puppies or kittens helps and I totally believe this. Smiling and laughter are very effective, too.

As for me, a funny commercial always puts a smile on my face. Hope this gives you a smile and a laugh, all in under 60 seconds.