Over some spicy food had a chat with Turtle about some career angst. Turtle had recently started a new job and was killing it. Now the big boss wanted to work directly with Turtle on special projects. What's not to like? The problem was Turtle had been burned in the past by bosses who were great in small doses, but a horror show in firefighting mode. The new boss had a different style than the old boss, but could Turtle trust them? Would encouraging this new dynamic be a disaster? Was there even a choice?

Turtle’s past traumatic experiences were coloring the current situation. When we are deeply disappointed by someone it's typical to react with, "I'll never let this happen to me again."

We talked about Principle #3 of the Connection Counselor's 4 Perspective Principles - REALITY.

We’ve all been let down at some point or another. That’s human. The thing that makes it hurt the most, however, is when we are hurt by those we never imagined would hurt us. In a way, by putting an unrealistic expectation on another person, we set ourselves up for a bigger fall.

"We are all capable of divine beauty and unimaginable horrors."

Or to steal a line from Victoria Aveyard’s the Red Queen, “Anyone can betray anyone.”

It’s not that certain people, say our parents or friends don’t owe us a duty of care or loyalty. And totally disconnecting from others based on fear is tragic and not admirable. It’s about accepting the reality that those who “should” be there for us sometimes will not be and that others who owe us nothing will sometimes surprise us.

Once we accept reality and let go of the entitlement of “should,” the hubris of thinking we are an expert judge of character, and the righteousness of our opinions about correct behavior - the disappointments are less tragic and the surprises are less astounding.

Accepting reality allows us to move forward without the crippling fears of disappointment and to have a more balanced reaction to the unpredictable swells of life.

I don’t know how things will turn out, but I hope Turtle will not allow the past to dictate the future. We have to decide how to live life knowing that we cannot always predict the heroes and villains. Sometimes we will get it right, sometimes we will get it wrong. All we can do is choose the best perspective for ourselves.

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Over sushi had a chat with a friend (let's call them Turtle) who was nervous and unsure of what to do. Turtle had a business trip to meet an executive who is a heavy hitter in their field and wanted to get to know them better. Turtle had an inspired idea to ask the executive to go watch a baseball game together, but was hesitant. The usual doubts and worries surfaced. Would the executive be too busy, not interested or somehow be off put by the invitation?

I got the sense that Turtle wasn't exactly putting the executive on a pedestal, but was definitely affected by the executive’s heavy hitter status. This was making Turtle question what seemed like a fairly reasonable, low risk / high reward move.

We talked about Principle #2 of the Connection Counselor's 4 Perspective Principles - EQUALITY.

When we come across people who have a higher status than us, whether it is in our family, company or society, we have a tendency to lose perspective of an important point.

Even the most exalted among us are in the most important ways, our equals.

Pick someone you would not dare approach. They might be an athlete, a musician or a CEO. Now imagine the two of you stranded on a desert island without food or water. Or dealing with a serious illness. You quickly see that we all have the same basic wants and needs. When we have this perspective, it frees us to be more comfortable with ourselves and others.

Later that day, I received a message from Turtle. They had emailed the executive who replied they'd be happy to go to the game. At this point, Turtle wasn't even sure why they had been so nervous in the first place. That's the funny thing about perspective.

When we lose perspective and suddenly get it back, our previous struggles can seem silly.

Here's to feeling silly!

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One day a farmer was working hard in his fields and decided to take a short break. He closed his eyes and felt the warm sun on his skin and inhaled the lush smells of the greenery. Suddenly, he was startled out of this serene moment by what sounded like a rock whizzing by his head. And then another. The next one stung him as it slammed right into the side of his head, drawing blood. As he whipped around around in a rage he saw 3 young boys from the village at the edge of the main field all frantically throwing rocks at him.

Imagine you are the farmer.

What do you do?

Do you yell at the boys? Throw rocks back at them? Run away? Try to reason with them? No matter what you do, the rocks keep coming.

Our farmer decides to run at the boys and scare them off. He waits for a lull in the incoming fire and dashes as fast as he can towards the boys. He doesn’t notice it at first, but something unexpected happens. The boys are not lowering their aim to hit him as he approaches. Instead, they continue to hurl rocks, over his head, toward the place where he was standing just a moment ago. Also, when he reaches the edge of the field, the boys aren’t scared of him. Actually, they barely acknowledge him at all other than to point their hands towards the location where he was standing. They seem to be yelling something, but the farmer can’t make out the words as they continue to hurl rocks at the place he used to be.

Finally, the puzzled farmer turns so he is side by side with the boys and facing in the same direction as them. To his surprise, he sees a herd of wild buffalo, approaching from the direction of where he was just standing, heading towards the field the boys are standing in front of. This field feeds the entire village and if it were to be trampled, many villagers could starve.

Imagine you are the farmer?

What do you do?