Sometimes it feels like you are the only one in a conversation. You are engaged, telling great stories and asking great questions and in return for all your efforts you get…nothing, nada, zip. The problem is, you really need this person to engage to ensure the success of your project. As they continue to ignore your good faith efforts, it becomes harder and harder to ignore the “Abandon ship, abandon ship!” warnings blaring in your head.

I regret to inform you, if you want a better outcome, you have to make like a captain and stick with the sinking ship. However, the goal is not to go down with the ship. The goal is to save the conversation, develop rapport, and have a wildly successful project. The bonus is if it was easy and anyone could do it, you wouldn’t be nearly as impressive as you are! Luckily, there is a principle of flow that will transform your results when dealing with passive or unwilling team members.

THE FIVE PRINCIPLES OF FLOW

Earlier, we discussed how finding a path that works despite discomfort and matching the pace of your partner are key. Let’s take a look at what the 5 Principles of Flow can teach us about dealing with a person who seemingly doesn’t want to help.

Principle #3: Moving together requires enough energy to move both partners.

Picture that classic scene from movies where a fireman or solider carries an injured person out of a burning building. Cue epic music and hold for the slow-motion strut as the building explodes in the background. The injured person is draped over the shoulders of the rescuer. This is called a fireman’s carry and is a way to carry a person to safety without injuring yourself.

Have you ever tried to move someone whose body was totally relaxed? Do not, and I repeat, do not try this at home. It becomes exponentially more difficult to move a person, even if they are smaller than you, if their body is completely relaxed. It feels like the person has dissolved into a pool of Jello and suddenly tripled in weight.

“I have to disagree, Joe. I have no problem carrying an average-sized person in my arms.”

That’s right. You’ve pointed out an important nuance. It’s easier to lift and carry a person under certain conditions. When a person is conscious, it may not be obvious, but they are helping us in one or more ways. First, they are holding their body in a definite shape by providing some tension in their muscles. Second, they may be grabbing onto us so it isn’t entirely up to us to keep a grip on them. In both cases, they are providing some help, which decreases the amount of energy we have to provide.

Sometimes the person you are trying to connect with is not providing any help at all. You try to engage them, but they have checked out and have essentially left you to do all the work. Unless they provide some energy, it becomes much more difficult for you to provide all the energy yourself to move both of you forward.

“You’re not telling me it’s entirely up to me to move someone who is passively refusing to engage.”

I’m not advocating you carry the other person like a connection mule. You are right in thinking that a “do everything myself” approach will not work. However, the answer is not to abandon them in the burning building and give up. This is what we usually do after a few failed attempts at engaging. In our mind, our conscience is clear as we throw up our arms and exclaim, “Well, I tried and can’t very well do this all by myself.”

CONNECTION FIREMAN’S CARRY

In order to move forward when your partner is passively resisting, you have to perform the relationship equivalent of a Fireman’s Carry. You do this is by demonstrating, through word and deed, that you value their needs as much as your own. You must drape their needs over your shoulders, lift them up, and carry them forward alongside your own. The result is you are demonstrating, in a very powerful way, that you care so much about them that you are willing to take on this extra burden to move the relationship forward.

“Joe, this sounds exhausting. Surely, it’s not fair or realistic for me to carry the burden the entire time.”

That’s exactly right. Like a fireman’s carry, it is meant to move a short distance away from danger and towards safety. No one, not even a trained firefighter, can go too far in this mode. At some point, you will have to put the person down.

But, here’s the key. Your connection is not actually unconscious. They are just acting that way. When you carry their concerns, thereby showing them that you value theirs as much as yours, this creates a powerful emotional connection. This makes it more likely for them to engage. By engage, I mean voluntarily climb down off your shoulders, stand on their own two feet, and begin to run alongside you.

The power of this approach comes from how it builds the trust needed to start the other person moving of their own volition. Volition is defined as “the power of choosing or determining.” The word ultimately derives from the Latin verb velle, meaning “to will” or “to wish.” Also, the adjective “voluntary” comes from the same source.

The key is to move in a way that gets our partner to move of their own will, not through the force of ours. This is where we go wrong most of the time. We try to impose our will or convince the other person our will is right. Both of these techniques have a high failure rate. The more effective path is to move in a way that encourages them to join in and move themselves.

To succeed, It’s not enough to keep trying something that doesn’t work. If you are banging your head on a wall, sometimes continuing to do so just results in a bigger bump on your head. When you understand how to engage a passive or resistant person in a way that helps them want to engage, you increase the chances that your conversation, rapport, and ultimately project will succeed.

This is all great if people are still trying, but what if they have checked out. With Principle #4 of the 5 Principles of Flow we look at how you can change directions, even unexpectedly, without throwing everything, including your credibility, out of sync.

This article was adapted from the new leadership book, Unlock Your Connection. Find it here, along with other books from the Unlock Your Leadership series.

Joe Kwon, the Connection Counselor is a leadership coach and keynote speaker who helps elevate careers by unlocking the ability to better connect with yourself and others. Contact him if you'd like his help.

To find out more and to access free leadership videos, podcasts, and guides, go to www.connectioncounselor.com.

See video below for some examples of the classic movie scene I was talking about. So cliche, but oh so satisfying.

There is a word, often overused, that means the output of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts — synergy. Most of us don’t have to be convinced of the benefits of teamwork and how working together, you can accomplish much greater things than you could have separately.

And while this sounds great in theory, you’ve probably also experienced times where you wished you could just work alone. Perhaps the team was not on the same page, arguing, or even working against each other. Sometimes, it gets so bad you start to wish everyone could just go to their own corners and work separately — a team in name only.

What is the difference between a team that is humming along like a well-oiled machine and a team that is grinding to a halt? If you want a better outcome for your team, a good place to start is by looking at what helps the respective parts work better together.

THE FIVE PRINCIPLES OF FLOW

In an earlier article we discussed how being connected and having the same goals as another team member is no guarantee of success. We learned the importance of staying commited, despite discomfort, to finding a way of moving foward that works for both people. Let’s build on what we learned from Principle #1 and look at another principle that will help your team run better.

Principle #2: Move at a pace that your partner can naturally match.

Think about running a three-legged race. Two people stand shoulder-to-shoulder with their inside legs tied together. In order to reach the goal and cross the finish line together you will need to stay in sync or you will be slowed down or worse, crash to the ground halting progress completely.

Ever notice what happens when you move at a pace that doesn’t match your partner’s? You encounter active resistance. If you are moving too fast and you try to pull them along faster than they are capable, the result is usually injury. Think about the effort involved in dragging your fallen, slower three-legged race partner roughly across the finish line. Conversely, when you are moving too slow and holding them back, the result is frustration and in some cases, even abandonment. Imagine your race partner untying your legs and saying, “What’s the point? I quit!”

The Secret to Matching Your Partner

In order to go as fast as possible, both you and your partner must be comfortable and relaxed so that you can move in a way that matches each other’s movements. The way to do this is counterintuitive — you do this by starting out going more slowly.

When you go slowly, you are able to move smoothly together. And when you move smoothly, you will move as quickly as possible under the circumstances. This concept is taught to soldiers and martial artists.

Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast.

When students are having difficulty learning a new Aikido technique, sometimes the instructor will have us practice at half speed. Practicing at a reduced speed helps you learn the cleanest and most effective version of the movement, which is difficult to do when you are under pressure and rushing through a technique.

Moving slowly helps you when it is time to move at full speed. This is because you need the right form to be effective and when you rush, your form breaks down. When you move slowly, carefully, and deliberately, you’re preparing to move as fast as you can while still being effective. Think about the last time you rushed through something. When rushing we tend to stumble, fumble, and fall, so the increased speed actually works against our success.

When you begin by going slowly, both partners learn how to move more smoothly together, which means they will move as fast as possible. Going faster is not helpful if it results in your partner crashing and falling, either taking you down or making it even more difficult for you to move forward.

How we choose to handle ourselves, not others is the real key to teamwork.

When we move in the most helpful way for our partner, the situation, and the team — our actions contribute to a positive flow of teamwork. When you are on a team that is just not working well together, stop and figure out what you can change about your own actions to improve the situation. You may be surprised by the results!

This is all great if people are still trying, but what if they have checked out? With Principle #3 of the 5 Principles of Flow we look at the secret to succeeding when someone doesn’t even want to help.

This article was adapted from the new leadership book, Unlock Your Connection. Find it here, along with other books from the Unlock Your Leadership series.

Joe Kwon, the Connection Counselor is a leadership coach and keynote speaker who helps elevate careers by unlocking the ability to better connect with yourself and others. Contact him if you'd like his help.

To find out more and to access free leadership videos, podcasts, and guides, go to www.connectioncounselor.com.

There is really nothing but the flow. You are not really on the bank. That, methinks, is the greatest illusion of all. You are the bank, the flow, the boat, the rudder.

–Nicoletta Baumeister

Growing up, some of my fondest summer memories were of the annual picnic held by our church at Overpeck County Park. The smell of kalbi (Korean BBQ) in the air, the thrill at the sound of the ice cream truck chimes, and the splash-tastic fun of the paddle boats made the picnic special. This action-packed day would always end with games and contests.

One of my favorite events was the three-legged race. Each team consists of a pair standing shoulder to shoulder. Then, their inside legs are tied together with a handkerchief, so each pair has three legs instead of four. At the whistle, each team races to the finish line as fast as they can – doing their best to coordinate their movements, so they don’t fall to the ground in a heap of limbs.

This fun, silly, and mildly hazardous game aptly illustrates how difficult it is for two people to work effectively together on a team. This can be difficult even when they both have the same goal in mind. If you’ve ever participated in a three-legged race, you know that simply binding your legs more tightly together is not the answer. Without excellent coordination between both people, one or both of you will end up on the ground.

The Fiasco

Imagine you have begun an important project, but your normal partner is out on vacation or leave, so you’ve been paired with a different coworker. You are talented, competent, and have a vested interest in doing a great job. What makes you nervous is you’ve heard that this coworker can sometimes be difficult to work with. In truth, maybe you’ve heard others say this same exact thing about you, but you worked so well with your normal partner that you’ve long since forgotten about this 360 degree feedback.

At the very first meeting, the cracks begin to show. Neither of you can agree on the best way to tackle the project. The timeline, project management, resources needed - you disagree on all of these. Unfortunately, it’s too much work for just one person to handle and practically impossible to divide things up without first agreeing on the basic approach. After weeks of arguing and project problems caused by being out of sync, your manager tells both of you that there will be consequences and reprecussions if the two of you cannot get on the same page. Instead of switching one of you to a different project, you are both tasked with figuring it out. Now what? How do you even begin to work together so the result is rewarding and productive, instead of painful and disastrous?

THE 5 PRINCIPLES OF FLOW

It’s important to remember that even though you are connected (by the same goal and being on the same team), you are still two separate entities. As a result, in order to get anything accomplished, both of you must move in a way that flows with the movement of the other. This is because your work is interdependent. Working separately without regard to what the other is doing will cause things to break. When one or both of you falls out of sync with the other, the result is discomfort, and eventually, once the strain is too much to bear, disconnection.

“I’ve noticed this before. Things will be great one moment and then everything goes kaput. What can I do to prevent this?”

When you follow the principles of flow, you move in a way that is natural for both you and the other person. Being in flow does not require you to be doing the same exact thing, but it requires you to move in a way that accommodates both people. When the way you move and the way the other person moves are in flow, the result is smooth and powerful like two rivers joining together. Let’s take a look at the first of the 5 Principles of Flow that help us work effectively with others.

Principle #1: Move in a way that your partner can naturally move.

Think about the natural range of movement of your arm. Your lower arm below the elbow can bend fully forward, but cannot bend backwards past a certain point. At certain angles, your shoulder or elbow locks up and your arm can’t rotate or move any further in that direction.

What happens when your arm is forced to move beyond its natural range of movement? First, there is pain, which is your body telling you to stop doing that. Then, if the motion continues past a certain point, you could be seriously injured.

Being connected to another person is double-edged sword. While we gain many benefits from being connected, we also lose a certain degree of freedom. By freedom, I don’t mean we have to follow or obey the other person’s wishes. What I mean is when we are connected, our range of movement becomes necessarily restricted if we want to move without hurting the other person.

The person you are connected to can only move in the way they can currently move and no more. Your desire to have them move beyond that will not change reality. If you move in a way that forces them to exceed their limits, this will cause pain, and if you continue past a certain point, it will break the connection. For example, there may be certain values, standards, or beliefs that the other person holds that they are not able or ready to change. It could be as trivial as what time to schedule meetings or as important as who does what.

“Surely, you are not telling me I must defer to the other person’s limitations? Surely, you are not telling me I shouldn’t challenge them or insist on what I need?”

 I’m not telling you that – and don’t call me Shirley. When it seems what you want or need is incompatible with the way the other person can move, this is not the end of the story. Where we get stuck is the belief that we have to have it all our way or no way at all. And the other person often takes the same stance. The key to moving forward in flow is understanding there is a third way.

The longer and stronger our connection, the greater the ability to understand each other and find ways to move together.

When your movement causes the other person pain or vice-versa, it’s not an either-or scenario. The key is to find a way to stay connected despite the discomfort, while moving to a path that works for both of you. What prevents this from happening is when we are close-minded about exploring other options or when we disengage completely. When you remain open to exploring other options and endure the discomfort, it is surprising how often you can find the flow, which is the right path for both of you.

If instead, you issue an ultimatum, you are forcing the other person to disconnect or to injure themselves. This is not about you staying true to yourself, though this sounds like a fine explanation. A “my way or the highway” approach is more about valuing your preferences more than your partner’s.

When you move in a way that allows you to stay connected despite discomfort, and in doing so give yourself the best chance to stay connected, this is being true to yourself.

If you are wondering about Principle #2 of the 5 Principles of Flow or what else you can do to work better with others, we explore both here.

This content was adapted from Chapter 5 of my forthcoming book, Unlock Your Connection, available for pre-order now, and delivered on September 15th!

To find out more about the Unlock Your Leadership series of books, including Unlock Your Charisma and Unlock Your Executive Presence, go to www.connectioncounselor.com.

To get the latest updates and additional information, sign up for the Connection Counselor community at www.connectioncounselor.com/freestuff