Larry and I crossed paths on LinkedIn and soon noticed we had a shared interest in technology and its impact on the workers of tomorrow. In other words, Skynet. I jest. I jest.

From our respective studies one chilly Saturday afternoon, we decided to explore this a bit further. Our conversation ran the gamut from cyptocurrency, career advice, perception, and the Fourth Industrial Revolution. (Conversation lightly edited for clarity and length.)

Larry, what makes you smile?

It's funny, I've thought about that some. So, I think what I've noticed lately that makes me smile is when I see people just really enjoying who they are and life in the moment. I've really come to enjoy that quite a bit. Whether I’m seeing that in person or watching it online.

Why does that make you smile? What is it that triggers that feeling for you?

I think it's something we all long for and we try to achieve in different ways. But I think when you let your guard down and let that moment happen, you can see pure joy that people are experiencing. That's ultimately what life is about.

There is something really beautiful about that. Thee is a kind of purity in being able to be yourself and to not have so much baggage around what other people think or how you should act. It's wonderful when you have those moments.

Absolutely. You see it with children. You might see it in older people. And every once in a while those of us in the middle!

Tell me a little bit about your background, but do me a favor. Tell me as if I'm a 5 year old.

Sure. At heart I'm a scientist so I like to understand how things work in the world around me. And I really love to understand how the world is evolving and changing as we move into the future. So that’s what I do and I try to understand as many aspects of the world as I can. That can be economics, science, computers - just to understand how it all works together.

How do you get to that understanding?

I like to read a lot of information and in my own mind I process and see connections between the different things I'm reading. I'm fortunate to have a background where I've studied many different things over the course of my life. I enjoy learning about so many different parts of things so it's not just being specialized in one area. Because of that, I like to view the connections across everything.

Now in 5 words or less, what is the essence of what you do?

Prepare people and companies for disruption and an exciting future. I guess that's more than 5 words!

Close enough!

It's about helping people and companies move into a new world.

Previously we had talked about the Fourth Industrial Revolution and the challenges and opportunities. For folks who aren't as familiar with the concept, what is it and what are some of the implications?

It's important to first understand the difference between an Industrial Revolution and a new technological innovation because technology is always evolving. The question about what makes an industrial revolution different is it’s many evolutions across many disciplines all happening at the same time. So, we are seeing that happen today. We see new technologies growing, and there are lots of them - AR, VR, quantum computing, artificial intelligence and machine learning, Big Data, new hardware technologies - so there's that side of things. There are things happening in biology. Very exciting stuff with gene editing, with CRISPR. Many things happening in the life sciences as well. New business models - the whole idea of a gig economy and sharing economy is new. And this is just scratching the surface. But we are seeing fundamental changes across many disciplines all at the same time. And what will be exciting and revolutionary about them is not the evolution of any one of these things by themselves, but when people start tying them together. And that's what really going to make a revolution.

If you think back to one of the earlier Industrial Revolutions, there was the invention of the steam engine. The steam engine itself was one of those advances, but it wasn't until the steam engine was put onto a boat and put onto a train and new products where invented with them that it started changing the entire landscape of the United States, the entire world. So, it's when you start combining these new technologies and innovations that you have an Industrial Revolution.

What are the parameters of this current Fourth Industrial Revolution?

We are just at the beginning edge of it. So, it's hard to say how it will all evolve. When somebody invents the steam engine you can't picture that you're going to have a transcontinental railroad and travel across the U.S. in days rather than months as a result of that.

That's so true, right! In hindsight you can tell, but how do you know going forward?

Exactly. We don't know where all this is going to go. But we can be pretty sure that all of this information is starting to come together. And it's going to be very transformative going forward. So where will it all go? That part is hard to say. But I think what is important for all of us to know is that it is happening and we have to figure out how we fit into that.

So, help me understand. When you say "it" is happening, what is "it?"

The technology is here. It's developing. It's evolving. Some of it is going faster than others. Some of it is at different stages at development. Another popular one these days is cryptocurrencies. In the Fall they took off and people were crazy about them. Now the values have fallen and people are more skeptical about them. But the fundamental projects that they are being used for are still marching forward and they are going to change how business is done. It will change financial services, it will change accounting, how we manage the power grid. There are just so many ways that it is going to change how the world works around us today. And it's just a matter of time before these things change and evolve. You just have to remember that things don't happen instantly.

You take the internet for granted for today. You may say it was developed in the early 1990's. That's what a lot of people think, but it had actually been around a long, long time before that before it took off and made a large impact for the everyday person. So we are seeing the same things here. Artificial Intelligence, it doesn't have to replace humans, yet, but it is being used more and more. It's starting to make inroads in a lot of business lines already. And people have to understand how they might work with it and how it might be a threat to what they are doing if they can't adapt themselves to it.

Would it be useful to think of what is happening as a giant wave? It's coming. It's inevitable. It's powerful. It's foolish to think that we can control it or bend it to our will in any sort of way. You have to acknowledge the wave is coming and decide what you are going to do.

I think so. A wave is a good example. Kind of like surfing. If you surf in Hawaii with all those big waves, it's coming. So you can either be scared of it; hope that it doesn't crash down on you. Or you can learn to swim along with it. I was told the story about "duck diving." Where the pro surfers go with the waves when they come and instead of waiting for the wave to crash on them, they duck into the wave and pop out on the other side and they are perfectly fine. And you just have to know that.

Keeping with your surfing reference, what are things that we can do or think about to duck under the wave rather than being hit by it?

Yes. I think we need to play around with the technologies. A lot of it is free. Get educated about them. You don't have to be an expert in all of them, but you should at least know what it is. Maybe experience it a little. I remember seeing a great story about augmented reality and if you remember "Pokemon Go!" which was popular a few years ago. A lot of people laughed at it and said this is just a silly thing. And I remember it was Gary Vaynerchuk who said, no this is the future. And yes, it might be a silly thing, but it's free. You should install it on your phone and play with it.

I think there is something really important in what you are saying here in that by participating it doesn't have to be at a very deep level. Rather, by gaining some familiarity with what is going on, you are probably better prepared. So, to use the surfer analogy, even if you are an amateur surfer, you are out there, playing around, and wiping out. And sometimes you are okay. You're going to be better off than someone who is on the beach and all of a sudden, tries to jump in.

Exactly. Or waits for the wave to come. That reminded me of another story. Way back when payrolls were switched from being paper checks to automatic or direct deposits. And I particularly remember my grandparents at that time when social security checks were no longer going to come to them. The money was just going to magically appear in their bank accounts.

Whoa!

And the panic that happened! And they weren't the only ones. Lots of people could not understand how could the money get to your bank account or how could you trust that it would happen unless you brought your check to the bank and you actually saw it. We're going to see the same kinds of things happen. Whether it’s with virtual reality, cryptocurrencies, how we buy things. There are parts of the world where people buy things with their phone. That's the way things are going to be. And that's a completely different way of doing things. And are we mentally prepared for it? It's hard to go from 0 to something totally advanced and different unless you've been learning a little bit along the way.

It strikes me that if you're in that mode and are curious, you don't have to learn everything at once. Sure, you're not going to be as savvy as the next generation, but you're also not going to be left so far behind and that's probably a good thing.

That is. And that's the important point. One of things we've gotten too used to in our thinking these days is that we have to be the best or #1 at something and if we can't do that or if we can't understand it completely, it's not worth pursuing. But that's not what brings success. We have to understand what success really is for us. So, you don't have to be an expert at cryptocurrencies and you don't have to get 10,000% returns. All you have to do is...better.

All you have to do is...better.

With your scientific background, what are some of your observations on this wild cryptocurrency ride?

I think it's been really fascinating to watch. I think a lot of sociology with what's happening. We see the run-up. And people's awareness is increasing. And more people wanting to participate and that's a good thing. But you also see a lot of people taking much bigger risks that they ought to be. And I'd like to point out that people do the same thing in the stock market and the real estate market. We just had a housing crisis because of the exact same behavior. People like to look for free, easy money.

Yeah, it's the basis of the casino's whole business model.

Exactly. So, people are looking for that and things run up further than they ought to. What we are seeing now is a lot of stabilization happening whereas before a lot of people just started running in and being over-exuberant about the future. So, the pull-back. There are lots of good things happening with regulations to help ensure that people's money is safe. We need to make sure these projects aren't just scams because scammers come out with this, too. You see it all the time. I actually created a little group on Facebook where I introduce people to the mechanics on how to do this. And then I try to warn them to stay away from things that look suspicious. There's a reason why some things are bigger than others. There's a reason why it might cost more to buy the same coin on one exchange versus another. Security for example, costs more. You don't want to put your money, in a crypto exchange or a bank that's likely to be robbed. It's probably going to cost you a little bit more to make sure it's secure.

So, with regards to this sea change in technology, what are your thoughts on the role ethics play?

It becomes increasingly important not just to have the ethics, but to be transparent about what those ethics are. Because to a large extent it's drawing a line and everybody needs to understand what this is, especially when everything is so complex. And there's a lot of things even beyond the Fourth Industrial Revolution that are complex and people don't always understand them. And we need to trust that our leaders and that our institutions are actually operating according to a set of guidelines that are fair to everyone.

I don't want to sound like I'm wearing a tin foil hat, but sometimes when people say things like, "Trust me! It's for your own good," that immediately sets off a red flag.

And I don't know how you do that when everybody can't understand everything about all of this. And you can say that about a lot of things. The way the stock market works. How many people really understand how the stock market works? You just trust that somebody is managing it well.

It's probably impossible for any one person to know it all.

Right. That's why it's important to put that out there and say this is how we are going to operate it. And let people give their opinions on it. Obviously, people have different interests and different backgrounds. Everybody is not going to agree, but I think one of the nice things about an open society is we say this is the way we are going, we're going to move forward with it and we all know what the rules are even if we don't like them. And this is how it goes. And if there's a problem, especially that hits a particular group, I would like to think we find some sort of way of offsetting that.

I'm not sure if you have seen this already. There is an entertaining video online about a guy ordering a pizza. It's a spoof. And the pizza company has soooo much information on the guy. He is subject to all these surcharges because they have to deliver to a dangerous neighborhood, there is a health surcharge if he orders too much meat because his last checkup recorded high triglycerides, and so on and so on. It's wild, but since I work in Privacy field you start to see how you really have to have some trust in how the information you share will be used by organizations for you or against you or sometimes a little bit of both. 

That's exactly right. You had a good example there with a surcharge for the meat because your triglycerides are too high. Yes, it's good for you in one sense, but you might not enjoy it. There's a lot for us to think about and things are moving faster. So, if we're not thinking about them, the worst thing is we end up with de facto rules and operating procedures we haven't really considered.

So, we've been talking a lot about how technology is going to change things for people. What are some of the key roles that we play in enabling this technology and where are people still needed to get the best use out of the technology?

What we really need to do is start thinking about ourselves as human beings and what our own purpose is. Machines have been around for a long time. I had an article on LinkedIn about this. You can think about machines even going back thousands of years and how they have transformed or augmented people. So, the idea of machines being around isn't a new one. The question is always the struggle of what does that mean for us as a human being and what can we now do that we haven't even imagined, yet? And so, our minds are very creative and we'll come up with things. We probably aren't there yet because we haven't been relieved of these burdens by machines yet and we don't know what that new world looks like, but once that starts happening, I'm sure that we'll come up with ideas. But again, we want to be thinking about that. The key point is to understand who you are, what makes you tick, and what gets you excited. How can you use a whole new set of tools available to you that weren't available before to do what you really want to do?

I think that’s also generally good career advice. Regardless of the role of technology, that's great advice for people to take control and guide their career rather than just being tossed around or letting chance totally guide the way.

Absolutely. And that's how a lot of us do it. I call it career by accident.

You know we just take whatever comes. And we're usually not very happy. Because we're not very thoughtful or purposeful about it.

Yeah. One thing I've started to believe more is once you've identified your purpose, once you focus on something that you really want, your mind puts on glasses or filters that help move you in that direction. Versus if you have no goal, there could be all these great things around you, but you don’t see them because your mind is not focusing on it. 

Yup, and it's called the Activated Reticular System in your brain. When you know what it is you want you start seeing it. A classic example is if you want to buy a new car and you haven't really thought about it or noticed it before, but now you suddenly want to buy a blue Maserati. Once you've made that decision you start seeing them all over the place.

If you think about it our minds are the original supercomputer, right?

Yes. And it's just what they're focused in on. We filter out so much stuff. Which includes opportunities of a lifetime because we don't know what our opportunity of a lifetime is. So, you could easily just walk by it and miss it because you didn't really know what it was!

Have you ever had this experience where you're watching two people having a conversation and one person is desperately trying to help out the other person, but the other person is  totally oblivious and working against their own best interests? And you're like, "they're trying to help you!"

Yup, and you can't see it because you are operating at another frequency. Another way it was described to me is it's like a radio. If you are operating at 560 AM wavelength and the opportunity you want is at 720, you've got to move to that wavelength, otherwise you're not going to see it. And you can do it - it's completely within your control. You just have to do it.

So, we've talked a little bit about the Fourth Industrial Revolution, career, cryptocurrency, what our minds see...is there anything else you'd like to share about the Fourth Industrial Revolution?

I think the key point I like for people to understand is that we often hear about how great it is going to be or how terrible it's going to be. Both are true. The important thing to know is change is going to happen and it's going to impact you. Whether that's good or bad depends on how ready you are for that change.

We like to say we got through the other Industrial Revolutions perfectly fine. But if you lived through it, it actually was a painful period. The change and adjustments are not easy unless you are prepared for them. So, you want to be ready.  

I think that's great advice. The one thing I would add to that is your perspective when the change happens. How do you react to it? You always hear these stories about people who didn't get a job or got fired and not because of that, but their reaction after that propelled them much further than if the "good thing" had happened to them. 

Right, so you have to keep thinking about what do I do next? And be ready to be doing something different. And so it's really freeing yourself to think bigger, probably than what you're accustomed to."

I think that's such a good point about expanding your options. If you think about many people, their job is narrowly constrained by some company hiring them. And if you think that that's the only way you can make a living, then it is! You've pretty much painted yourself into a corner. But that might not necessarily be true. There may be plenty of opportunities, some of them better than the one you have now.

And along those lines it's important to surround yourself with people who help you to see those opportunities. Because a lot of times, people, especially our own families pigeon-hole you into that's all you can do.

Yes! I think you struck on a very important point there, Larry. It's not just that we can be unhappy with change. Sometimes those around us, even those who we think are our closest supporters are unhappy with us changing because it changes the interpersonal dynamic.

It does. And they don't necessarily see possibilities. They have their own limitations as well. And so I think that's one of those things that's great to think about, "what else COULD you do?" Always be expansively thinking. If I couldn't do what I'm doing today, what else would I do?

That's really resonating with me Larry, that thought of expanding your viewpoint, your thinking, your possibilities. I feel that is extremely helpful and powerful for people to try to practice and get into a habit of doing.

A couple of final questions for you. What is your poison or your kryptonite?

Beyond all the Fourth Industrial Revolution I love a lot of science fiction and it tags along with what we've been thinking. It opens up the mind to new possibilities. I love seeing new ideas. Creations. Especially with science fiction you can really take the gloves off and say anything is possible. It can take place in a completely different universe or a universe where the laws of physics are different and I just love a lot of that.

I think that's the ultimate in expansion. Anything is possible with that sort of writing or film-making.

And I'm excited to see what's going to happen when you make them more immersive with virtual reality or something. I can't wait to see an actual virtual reality movie someday.

Is there a particular show, book, podcast, website that you'd like to share with people?

I've got a Facebook group that you can go to, it's called Future Proofing You. If you go to FutureProofingYou.com it directs you right there.

And I've got my book coming out on August 7. It's "The Robot in the Next Cubicle: What You Need to Know to Adapt and Succeed in the Automation Age." In fact, it is already pre-sale’ing on all the places you would buy books.

And my website is at successrockets.com.

Larry, I wanted to thank you for generously sharing your time with me today. And I'm really looking forward to your book. I wish you all the success in the future!

Well, thank you!

Meet our guest

Larry is an economist, data scientist, technologist, executive and business coach, board member, speaker and author. He’s passionate about raising awareness about the impacts of technological change on people, businesses and society so everyone can enjoy a better tomorrow. He is the founder of Success Rockets LLC and New Paradigms Consulting LLC

Listen In is a series that shares conversations with interesting people in an easy to enjoy manner. The topics are diverse, but the unifying goal is to uncover powerful insights and share them with you.    

Interested in being featured on Listen In? Contact me via LinkedIn.

Thank you!

GLADIATOR

Picture this. You step into the arena for some friendly, after-school banter with your kid, only to find yourself in the Colosseum, facing Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius.

You: How was school?

Gladiator: Good.

You: What did you learn?

Gladiator: Stuff.

You: (Blood pressure rising, voice straining) Can you answer with more than just ONE word?

Gladiator: (Executing a deft eye roll, sarcasm dripping off their sword as they move in for the kill) Yes..............I...Can.

Cue KRAKATOA! Hopefully you manage to keep your cool. After all, you're only human. If you are driving, please don't crash.

What just happened? Weren't you doing all the right things? 

• Asking open ended questions? 
• Being present and engaged?
• Putting your phone down?

Who hasn't felt the stinging humiliation of the family conversation fail? Let's explore another example you might resemble. I know I do.

FORCE OF NATURE

Crash! Next, the silence before the storm. As you turn towards the commotion the scene comes into focus. Your child's head is tilted back like a Pez dispenser, eyes vacuum-sealed shut, and then a wall of sound hits you like a gale-force wind. 

Child: WAAAAAAAAAAAA!

You: (In your most pleasing, but slightly panicked voice) It's okay, it's okay.

Child: Buh...buh...but...WAAAAAAAAAAAA!

You: (Now with a twinge of desperation) It's alright! We can fix it or get you a new one.

Child: WAAAAAAAAA! Sniffle, pause, WAAAAAAAAA! IT...WILL...NEVER...be the SAME!!!

Nothing you say stops the flood. It's like trying to plug Niagara Falls with one-ply toilet paper. Eventually, no thanks to you, things run their course and calm down. You feel totally powerless and ineffective at comforting your own child. 

Why are these things happening? You are a caring parent doing your best. Why is it so hard? Perhaps you also suffer similar failures outside your family. Is this your destiny, to be slain and feel ineffectual? How do we fix this? 

First, we need to understand what is happening beneath the surface of the conversation iceberg. Surprisingly, word choice has very little to do with the problem and even less to do with the solution. The issue is rooted in a fundamental disconnect.

To help explain this better, I've asked my friend Aaron Skogen to answer a few questions about shifting gears on a bicycle.

CHANGING GEARS

So, Aaron, Why do some bicycles have one gear and others have many more?

Bicycles come in many different configurations with gearing often corresponding to the rider's preference or the design function of the bicycle. A road bike for instance, using mine as an example, has a compact crank - 2 front gears, a larger one and a smaller one, and an 11 gear cassette in the rear. This gives me 22 separate gears to work through. The smaller front gear combined with the biggest rear gear will give me the easiest pedal push (essentially the lowest gear), but the least rotation of my tire, per rotation of the pedal. Conversely, if I use the largest front gear, combined with the smallest rear gear, I get the hardest pedal push (the highest gear), but the most rotation of the tire per rotation of the pedal.

Notice how in low gear, Aaron's effort is the least, but it also has the least impact on moving the tire. In the highest gear, the effort is the most and the impact on moving the tire is the greatest.

What are the pros and cons of having one gear vs. having many gears?

That's a great question, and it really comes down to utility. Many gears give you a range to work from, so when you're climbing a big hill in a low gear, its easier to pedal. That same gear on a flat run would require me to pedal at warp speed to move very fast, so I will shift to a higher gear and get more rotation on my tire for each rotation of the pedals.

The cons to this set-up are a few. First they add weight, and second, it requires more routine maintenance and adjustment as the cables wear, etc. Finally they tend to put a bit more stress on the chain.  

On the other hand, a single gear, one that gets you to moderate speeds, yet is still relatively easy, is often found on commuter or courier bikes. At a basic level many couriers look for the simplest set-up they can to eliminate the maintenance, adjustment and potential failure of one of the shifting components. So they may set themselves up with a simple gearing ratio that suits the needs of their specific riding style.

Using multiple gears allows you to adapt better, but is more complicated. It's less of a headache to use fewer gears or limit yourself to gears that work best for you, but your ability to adapt is reduced.

What is the benefit of picking the right gear?

I touched on this a bit earlier. Picking the right gear helps reduce fatigue. I tend to ride long rides trying to keep a steady cadence. The cadence is the RPM (Rotations Per Minute) that I pedal at. For me, keeping a cadence around 95 RPM keeps my body from fatiguing. For instance, I can climb a large hill, in a low gear at 95 RPM and only be moving forward at around 10 miles per hour, yet that same cadence at a higher gear will allow me to cruise at 25-28 mph on a flat road.

When the gear you pick for a given terrain matches your cadence, pedaling is smooth and easy.

What sort of things do you need to consider or beware of when you are going to change gears?  

Ultimately its about anticipating the need to shift. For instance, I am rolling along and see a large hill coming up, as I begin the climb, I watch my RPM, and as it begins to fall, I ease the pressure on my pedals and downshift. From there I am back to my 95 RPM until I need to downshift again.

Like with many things, anticipating and making a change earlier makes things go better.

What happens if you jump from one gear to another that is really different or far away from the original?

Skipping many gears at once can really throw you off your cadence. I've seen people get so disrupted by a big mis-shift that they have almost lost control of the bike. Imagine pedaling at 95 RPM in a high gear, suddenly you mis-shift to your lowest gear and you physically cannot keep up with the pedals. You are essentially freewheeling because you would need to be pedaling at nearly three times the RPM to keep the gear engaged. Make sense?

Gradual change is easier to adjust to than abrupt change.

What is cross-chaining and why should it be avoided?

I think in this case a picture is worth a thousand words. Cross chaining is running your chain from the largest ring on the crank to the largest on the cassette, or vice versa.  As you can see by the image, it creates extreme angles to your chain, and accelerates the wear of both the chain and the sprockets.

Like stress on a bike chain, stress on a relationship wears it down more.

"Joe, can you fast forward to the part about how to survive these painful conversations? I'm trying to get to better communication, not win the Tour de France!"

Apologies for the wait and thank you for riding this far. The last stage is coming. But first, a caveat. What follows are not magic words or a list of 5 best tips. Instead, an uphill battle lies ahead. Feel free to exit now. I won't judge. If you want to go on, don your armor and let's charge ahead! 

The secret to having a successful conversation is matching the energy of the other person.

"Seriously? I'm underwhelmed. What's so difficult about that?"

I can see why you would say that. Allow me to explain.

Think of your energy as your current gear. The other person's energy is the terrain you are approaching. When your gear matches them, the conversation ride flows easily. However, if their energy requires you to be in a totally different gear, you need to shift gears before you can get in sync and communicate effectively. To do this, follow these 4 steps.

Step 1. Be aware of the other person's energy (Identify what gear is needed)

Before you engage, take a moment to observe your counterpart carefully. Do they seem happy or sad? Open or closed? Tired or energized?

Step 2. Resist the urge to disregard the other person's energy and charge ahead. (Don't pedal on when your current gear doesn't match the terrain)

The energy you bring to the conversation is like your current gear. Merely identifying the other person's energy is not enough. You must resist the urge to just plow ahead in your current gear. This is challenging because it takes little to no effort for you to stay in the same gear. Resisting this tendency requires a surprising amount of self-control.

Step 3. Move yourself to where they are or wait until they move to where you are. (Smoothly upshift or downshift and pedal on)

This step requires extreme patience. The idea is to work on getting your gears, or in other words, energy levels in sync before diving into the real conversation. You will know you are in sync based on the other person's response to you. It's palpable and you can feel the connection click like a bike chain engages when everything works properly. 

The good news is you can do this without any specialized training or an advanced degree in psychology. The bad news is this requires a fair amount of awareness, self-control and patience. 

Step 4. Move in tandem and have a real conversation.

Once you are connected as a result of executing Steps 1-3, the conversation begins to open up and it is possible, with a minimum of resistance, to get your counterpart to move with you easily. Now shift up or down, a little bit at a time until you hit your stride and have an enjoyable, flowing conversation.

"This sounds like a lot of theory. What does this look like in practice?"

So glad you asked. Back to the Colosseum!

gladiator, round 2

As you enter the arena you notice that Maximus does not appear talkative. It's as if everyone and everything he has ever cared about has been brutally ripped away. He looks at you like competitive eating champion Kobayashi looks at a hotdog.

You make a measured, cautious approach. No sudden movements, please! 

You: (In a quiet, low tone) Hey...

Gladiator: Hi.

You: How are feeling today? 

Gladiator: (Listlessly) Okay...I...guess.

You: (Matching his volume, speed, and energy) What...do...you...
feel like...for dinner today? 

Gladiator: (Lowering shield just a bit, almost imperceptibly) I wouldn't mind...some hotdogs.

You: (Still circling cautiously) I could do hotdogs, too. (Thoughtful pause) Remember that time...we ordered hotdogs and got free buffalo wings? We thought we were so lucky...until the next morning when we really "paid" for them? 

Gladiator: (Helmet comes off. Is that your imagination or did you catch a glimpse of a reluctant smile?) Yeah, who can forget the "ring of fire?" 

You: (With just a bit more energy) Well, hotdogs it is, then. How was school? 

Gladiator: Not bad. 

You: Did you learn anything that could help prevent us from having another ring of fire incident? 

Gladiator: (Laughing out loud, despite themselves) Ha-ha, not really, but we did learn about the dangers Gold Rush miners faced. 

You: (Picking up the pace) What sort of dangers? Was it from explosives? Robbers?

Gladiator: (Matching you now, blow for blow) You won't believe it! Back then...

What just happened? What made the difference? 

First, you didn't foolishly charge headlong into the conversation only to be mercilessly cut down. Next, you deftly matched Maximus' energy with your words, tone, pacing, etc. You stayed patiently in the danger zone until you could see their guard start to drop. Finally, you gradually shifted to a more engaged conversation and much to your surprise, Maximus came along. In the end, you got a thumbs up and lived to parent another day!

This works in the opposite direction, too. When emotions are running high, sometimes you need to let the other person burn off their excess energy.

Sadness and anger are emotions and though it may not seem so in the heat of the moment, they fade naturally.

I'm not advocating ignoring or doing nothing. However, simply sitting there quietly and supportively without trying to "help" can give the person the space and time they need to feel a little better. Then, they can more easily meet you where you are. 

When the moment is a charged one, not doing something can require more discipline than doing something. Consider the commands Maximus shouts in the opening battle of Gladiator.

"Hold the line! Stay with me!"

"Me" meaning the part of yourself that is calm and under control. In spite of strong emotions flying at you from every which direction, you must learn to regulate your own emotional response and avoid getting pulled into what Helen Riess calls, "affective quicksand."

"COME ON, Joe! This sounds like a LOT of effort! I'm not even sure it will work. And why is it MY responsibility to match the other person? Shouldn't they be matching me sometimes?"

I hear you. I do. It's normal to be bothered by having to do this much work JUST to have a decent conversation. And I get that it feels unfair that you are the one having to adjust for others moods. 

In truth, you don't have to do any of this. You can continue to ride on and use just one gear. That will work fine for lots of situations. However, consider that the ability to change gears smoothly results in the best conversations, in the most scenarios, with the least amount of stress on the relationship chain. And just between you and me, as you try this out, you may be surprised to notice that others are already doing this FOR YOU from time to time. And maybe THEY feel it is unfair that they have to match YOUR moods. If you catch your reflection off their shield you may be surprised to see you are Maximus. And not in the noble, self-sacrificing "I'm Spartacus!" kind of way.

A final nod to Gladiator. 

Remember parents, what we do in life echoes in eternity...

Thanks for riding along! If you have any comments or experiences to share about dealing with difficult conversations, I would love to hear from you.

Have you ever kicked yourself for not acting earlier? Like going food shopping the night before Thanksgiving, only to be greeted by empty shelves, frenzied shoppers, and endless lines? Or buying a shovel the day of a blizzard and noticing the store looks like a scene from the Walking Dead? 

How about with people? Imagine a husband (not me) on a shopping trip who reaches a hunger breaking point and becomes unbearably difficult. There's even a word for this - Hangry = hungry + angry. 

What about in business? An executive was running a consultancy helping mostly small businesses. One day he received a call from a Fortune 500 company asking for help. He was excited and offered to schedule an appointment first thing the next day. The woman on the phone said, "you don't understand...we will continue to lose a significant amount of money until this is fixed."

 I can be there in a few hours.

"NOW you understand," she said. He cleared his schedule, went to their facility right away and fixed the problem. The new opportunities that resulted helped catapult his business to the next level. 

You snooze, you lose

There are two potential problems with acting too late. First, your action may no longer be effective.

• The job being offered to you may not be available tomorrow.
• The ingredients for your favorite Thanksgiving dish may be sold out.
• You may need to channel MacGyver to fashion a shovel to dig out of the snow. 

In any case, you've missed your chance and the proverbial window of opportunity has closed. 

A second problem is your action may be less effective, resulting in additional pain or cost that could have been avoided. Let's consider the scenario of a shopping trip with a hangry husband (again, definitely not me). You finally stop to get some food, and the irritability abates somewhat, but the overall mood and trip have been ruined. 

So how do we get better at acting at the right time?

GETTING THE TIMING RIGHT

I started thinking about the importance of timing during a recent Aikido class. We were practicing a technique defending an attack that looks like a karate chop to the top of the head. Picture breaking a bottle directly over someone's head, just without the bottle.

All Aikido techniques require a high level of connection with the other person. When properly executing a technique, it should feel like both people are moving as one. Imagine the way professional ballroom dancers circle and move.

Recently, I've been thinking about the high level of connection and impressive timing exhibited during Improv comedy. Think about the Drew Carey show, "Whose Line is it Anyway?" I was curious to see if the principles underlying Improv might be applicable to Aikido so I checked out the book Improvisation for the Theater, by Viola Spolin. This is like the bible for improvisation, but don't take it from me. 

Her book is the bible.
~Rob Reiner

There is a connection exercise from the book called, "The Mirror." Player A makes a move (e.g., touching their nose) and Player B mirrors it. It's using movement and not words, but it feels a lot like the type of copying game we all experienced as kids. 

You: I don't feel like going today.

Them: I don't feel like going today.

You: Cut it out, I mean it!

Them: Cut it out, I mean it!

And if this person were feeling especially evil, they might take it up a notch and try to repeat what you were saying AS YOU SAID IT or even get ahead of you and finish your sentences.

As Player A and Player B continue to mirror and their connection strengthens, the lag between their movements gets shorter and shorter. In fact, at times it becomes hard to tell who is the initiating and who is following.

You see this high level of connection in various other areas. Think about the supreme helper who seemingly knows exactly what others need, even before it is verbalized. Or picture teammates who are so in tune they don't even need to talk or point, they just "know" what each will do and react accordingly. For example, watch a well-executed basketball fast break or the uncanny teamwork of the tennis doubles champions the Bryan brothers (who happen to be identical twins).

THE LOOK OF CONNECTION

So we're back in the dojo. My partner is attacking first (like breaking a bottle over my head). I'm defending and my initial movement is to raise my arm to meet his arm. Done properly, our raised arms meet in the space between us like crossed swords,  Zorro style. The later I raise my own arm, the closer the imaginary bottle gets to my head. So it is in my best interests to move as soon as he moves. 

So as soon as my partner raises his arm, I raise mine. I try to make it as simultaneous as possible. I'm not anticipating or moving first, rather I'm trying to minimize the lag. Because the attack and the defense are mirror images of each other, at times he thought I was confused and was attacking when it was my turn to defend. 

So what does any of this have to do with the right time to act, Joe? 

Great question, thanks. I believe this would be the right time for me to get to the point.  

The key to acting at the right time is to connect with others as part of single system, rather than thinking of others as a separate entity.

What I discovered through the mirroring exercise and the Aikido technique is that if you connect with the other person in a way where you begin to function as a unit, your response will naturally be a timely one.  So the feeling is instead of reacting to an external attack I'm mirroring his movement. Again, think basketball fast break or tennis doubles. 

Fortunately you don't need to be identical twins like the Bryan brothers to get into sync with others. And you don't need to be a master of improvisation, either, though I highly recommend improvisation exercises.   

In order to better connect and act at the right time, follow these two EZPZ steps:

Step 1. Pay attention with and practice situational awareness. 

Let's go back to the executive receiving the call from the Fortune 500 company. Dollar signs must have been running through his head. If he had not understood that he needed to drop everything and leave as soon as possible, he would have lost that opportunity.

Often in life and in business, people will not tell you explicitly what you need to do. They send you signals and expect you to understand. Can you imagine working with someone where you have to explicitly state or write down everything you need them to do? So situational awareness helps you avoid the situation where you realize too late what needs to happen and watch your opportunity vanish like a puff of smoke.

Step 2. Think and move as if you and other person are part of one system.

Now that you are paying attention and are aware, consider what actions you might take working together as a unit. There are times when this comes naturally. Someone sneezes and what do you say? God bless you or Gesundheit. What do you do when you see brake lights? You brake. I hope.

Sometimes it takes a little more thought. You are walking through a door and notice the person behind you has their hands full. If you are in a hurry and only thinking about your own needs, you may just let the door close and keep walking. However, if you are thinking of them like a friend, family member, or even just loosely as part of your community, you may pause and hold the door open for them. To act at the right time change your perspective from one of reaction to one of symbiosis.

I hope this approach will help you (and me) get better at acting at the right time. I don't know about you, but I don't like missing opportunities, shoveling snow with my hands, or getting a bottle broken over my head!

If you have any thoughts about good timing, improv or stories about when timing made a difference in your life, I'd love to hear about it. 

Last, but not least, an oldie, but a goodie about "really" being in sync.

Next post next Saturday, 6:30 a.m.